longing...

I am living in an incomprehensible state of mind these days. Like a convict who awaits his verdict wistfully with each passing day, waiting for himself to announce the final decision. I don't know what my mistake was – perhaps it is because Adam ate apple from the tree of knowledge. I may be a convict of that, because I am a descendant of Adam’s. Whatever it may be, but the uncertainty gets darker with every sunset, and my heart burns stronger with each sunrise. Amidst this mix of emotions and rationale, I ask of only one thing from myself – honesty in words and honesty in actions; a difficult thing indeed.

I feel homesick quite often, nostalgia for a place I have never seen or been. It is not for the home from where I started my journey from. A bird came out of its nest to spread its wings and learn flying over unseen lands, but that nest never could become its home. This longing is for an invisible home where this journey can stop and I can be reborn. Perhaps this is an impractical dream of an imaginative Utopian; perhaps this is the desire of a nomadic heart. Suddenly I am feeling that I have a big responsibility towards myself, my ideals and my beliefs. May be it is about the time I start my journey back home.

In that sense, I consider myself a little unconventional. My peers give me that idea with their surprised eyes and agape mouths when they listen to what I have to say. I feel a little nervous when I find that I don’t have similar aims as they have, I don’t have similar desires as they reflect. I get frightened sometimes at the idea that whether I will be able to fit myself here or remain an outcast in a society where I can never belong.

All through this I keep telling myself that I am not going to live in fear. I am not going to imprison my soul inside traditions from the fear of getting lost and destroyed outside. I would rather prefer dying like a man who had open roads in front of him, than living like a man who had walls all around.