area of darkness...

The morning comes as usual. I pull myself up from my ‘bhoomi-shaiyya’ out of my REM sleep and rush myself to pee. Roomie is out pumping iron in the gym and I am alone with myself. It is 6:30 AM. Finishing, take a couple of sips of cool water to wipe off the Hyderabadi summer night. Couple of slurps and one big Ahhh!

I had read somewhere that ‘your character is what you do and think when you know nobody is watching you’. So I try to keep some part of my conscience aloof from the rest of me to figure out what sort of character do I have.

Keep morning apart. There are people who go shopping. There are people who prepare for CAT, GMAT, GRE and alike. There are people who chat on yahoo or Google. But then they are no longer alone, right? But yeah no one is watching them, so they can be whatever they want to be! There are people (I included) who walk around naked when they’re alone; sometimes suddenly becoming cautious whether the doors and windows are shut! There are people who take a few steps further and… Ok! Ok!… you understood. There are people who sleep, there are people who put rocky muzzzik (with zzz’s) and scream along with Iron Maiden, Metallica or Linkin Park. There are people who draw, work out, sing, play guitar (most find guitar cool. Till now, I haven’t seen anyone who wants to learn tabla or flute), read or write etc. And there are people who do more than one of the above listed things or may be the things which are not listed above. But the point here is ‘where the mind of a person goes when it is without anyone around’.

Well, I return to my morning. To couple of slurps and one big Ahhh!

So with weary eyes and dreary body I switch on the PC and first person I see on this new day is ‘the sexy’ Jessica Alba (the wallpaper on my desktop wearing only underwear). I sigh as her silky body smiles back with those devastating eyes. Tch… Ssss… Huhhh… Phew…!!! Mixed emotions (love, awe, desire, lust, bliss)… Mind tries to jump off the precipice of reality.

Next thing – orkut – no scraps! Then gmail – no mails! icicidirect – ok, investments doing good! Now mind starts giving warning signals that if nothing is done it can lead me to ‘Enter-only-if-you-are-above-18’ websites and… dot dot dot…

So, before that disaster happens, I take few sips of Thums-Up to call upon my bowels. S*** happens, and eventually brushing of teeth and bathing. Suddenly I feel the need of doing some introspection and so I isolate myself in my room from the rest of the house and start my initial daily boot (analogy drawn from Operating System boot) – yoga. Yoga gives me confidence, energy and guts (sometimes) to face the day. Once asanas are over, I have felt my body completely and regulated my breath, I try to analyze my mind. It is like looking at the darkness inside yourself with your eyes closed.

A sudden revelation happens – fear. I have been living in fear till now – fear of becoming dispossessed, fear of being alone, fear of losing everything. In that area of darkness, there is a beast that scares me. In my mind I find that, it is same ‘I’ that is devil at times, it is same ‘I’ that is near sainthood some other moments. I find that I am divided into loads of identities; I find that there are strings attached to my existence which pull me like a puppet. I find that I am not doing what I really want to do.

I ask myself – why am I afraid? Why am I not free? Why do I have to live in fear? Why do I have to run away from myself? What will happen if I keep living like this? What is my biggest fear in life?

Answers… No, they haven’t come yet! Gaawwd!?!?!