trying anti depressant...

Apun ka dimaag mein salaa kuchh chemical locha ho gayela hai...

I need to properly train my brain
From the start, once again
Otherwise this ennui & this rain
Will leave me hopeless & insane!

Oh good... it rhymes... :)...

games people play...

After finishing reading the book I looked at the bookmark lying by the side which said 'A classic is a book that has never finished saying what it has to say...'

Apparently without knowing we all have been living while playing games all the time, like a programmed human, whether we wanted or not. Even this blog is a part of that game! Eric Berne's this classic has the potential to change any person's perception of life.

A few excerpts:

"...Awareness means the capacity to see a coffeepot and hear the birds sing in one's own way, and not the way one was taught..."

"PARENTS, deliberately or unaware, teach their children from birth how to behave, drink, feel and perceive. Liberation from these influences is no easy matter, since they are deeply ingrained and are necessary during the first two or three decades of life for biological and social survival. Indeed, such liberation is only possible at all because the individual starts off in an autonomous state, that is, capable of awareness, spontaneity and intimacy, and he has some discretion as to which parts of his parents' teachings he will accept. At certain specific moments early in life he decides how he is going to adapt to diem. It is because his adaptation is in the nature of a series of decisions that it can be undone, since decisions are reversible under favorable circumstances."

"...for certain fortunate people there is something which transcends all classifications of behavior, and that is awareness; something which rises above the programming of the past, and that is spontaneity; and something that is more rewarding than games, and that is intimacy. But all three of these may be frightening and even perilous to the unprepared. Perhaps they are better off as they are, seeking their solutions in popular techniques of social action, such as "togetherness." This may mean that there is no hope for the human race, but there is hope for individual members of it."

The complete book can be had from here.

as a man thinketh...

A post dedicated to ‘As a Man Thinketh’ by James Allen.

Some lines from the book...

1. As a man thinketh in his heart so is he…

2. Man is a growth by law, and not a creation by artifice, and cause and effect is as absolute and undeviating in the hidden realm of thought as in the world of visible and material things. A noble and Godlike character is not a thing of favor or chance, but is the natural result of continued effort in right thinking, the effect of long-cherished association with Godlike thoughts. An ignoble and bestial character, by the same process, is the result of the continued harboring of groveling thoughts.

3. Man is always the master, even in his weaker and most abandoned state; but in his weakness and degradation he is the foolish master who misgoverns his "household."

4. The soul attracts that which it secretly harbors; that which it loves, and also that which it fears; it reaches the height of its cherished aspirations; it falls to the level of its unchastened desires, and circumstances are the means by which the soul receives its own.

5. Men do not attract that which they want, but that which they are. Their whims, fancies, and ambitions are thwarted at every step, but their inmost thoughts and desires are fed with their own food, be it foul or clean.

6. Good thoughts and actions can never produce bad results; bad thoughts and actions can never produce good results.

7. Suffering is always the effect of wrong thought in some direction. It is an indication that the individual is out of harmony with himself, with the Law of his being.

8. If you would protect your body, guard your mind. If you would renew your body, beautify your mind.

9. Until thought is linked with purpose there is no intelligent accomplishment.

10. It has been usual for men to think and to say, "Many men are slaves because one is an oppressor; let us hate the oppressor." Now, however, there is amongst an increasing few a tendency to reverse this judgment, and to say, "One man is an oppressor because many are slaves; let us despise the slaves."

11. Law, not confusion, is the dominating principle in the universe…

The complete book can be downloaded from here.

where do i belong?

It is a question that consciously or unconsciously creeps into every mind at the times when a person needs to find out his or her roots. Whatever the life has been, what it could have been and what it is, create an image of what the life should be. In the course of life, we meet lot of people and some of them are the images of our own future. There is a strange similarity between the two lives, running parallel in space but differs only in the time; as if the two lives are at two different ends of the same string of time.

I met or know some such people. My life would sure follow theirs as the time passes by, if I make the choices they have made. And there is every possibility of me making those choices. But none of their lives have been a role model for me, and I can only pray that I don’t end up on those plateaus.

During one of my visits home, I met a person named Kumar, on my way from Delhi to Chandigarh. A carefree look, hippy outfit, inebriated, with two filled bottles of Bombay Safari in his bag – he was a mechanical engineer from a college in AP (so am I). He had worked in Jalandhar for some time and left his job of 3000 rupees some 15 years ago. The reason was that 3000 rupees were not enough to buy him his quota of cigarettes. He left his home and went to Leh and worked in a hotel there for some time. Then he went to Goa and started his own restaurant named ‘Namaste’, which has its branch in Thailand also. He had a Mexican girl friend, a hut in south Goa, a boat, a hammock and a dog. He said he will not marry his girl friend but they are planning to have a child. There was a bitterness of frustration in him about India and Indians, the frustration which comes when you know nothing can be done with the way life is but you cannot live with that. He was a person who knew that he had lost his struggle to the wrong, but he was running away from accepting that. He was running away from life, from the claustrophobia he felt in the world. The kind of outlook I had at that time, I could have very well turned into the same person.

Then there was this person Yoshi in Auroville (Pondicherry) who had come there from Israel after visiting almost every country of the world. One thing he said made an impression in my mind. He said: ‘I traveled across the world. But there wasn’t a place I could call my home. Then finally I came to Auroville and I have been living here since 18 years. I lived here through every situation, from the time when there were no steel utensils or LPG to cook food. I built my home here and now my roots are here. This is where I belong.’

Then during my recent visit home when I was coming back, I met another person. This person had “fifteen” years of experience in IT industry in which he had ‘worked’ (that’s what he said) in “nine” companies, that comes to less than two years per company. From those fifteen years, he had lived five years in the US. After working for fifteen years, he left IT industry and opened his consultancy firm in Delhi. The kind of choices I was about to make after coming back from home would surely have led me to that. But I never could imagine myself being that person.

Then there is my maternal grand father (my mom’s father’s brother) who had left home when he was very young. He went to Bombay and joined Indian Navy in 1960’s. Since then he has been living there and comes back to the village once in a year. Now when he has crossed 70, he returns home searching for his roots. I wonder where he belongs now and what he thinks. Will he be content that he found life away from his home and lived it through, or will he be sad that now when he has reached the end of his journey, he has gone so far that it is impossible to return to his own home, and that he will get annihilated in an alien land, where there is hardly anyone who he can call his own?

I am always left wondering at the end of such thinking sessions that where would my journey end. Where do I belong?

normal distribution...

As the weekend dawns, to begin with, a couplet from Bashiir Badr’s ghazal:

Ko.ii haath bhii na milaayegaa, jo gale miloge tapaak se
ye naye mizaaj kaa shahar hai, zaraa faasale se milaa karo |

(If you embrace someone out of the blue, nobody will even shake hands with you. This city is of a different mood; keep a safe distance in meeting others…)

In college we had this course called Probability and Statistics (ProbStat in short). Though I was only able to clinch a safe ‘C’ somehow, yet there was a probability distribution which captured my fancy. It was Normal Distribution or the Gaussian distribution with that characteristic Bell Curve which looked more like a mountain in paintings of kindergarten students. Whenever the professor drew that curve on board I used to wait for him to draw clouds and sun coming from behind the mountains. But instead of sun, when professor wrote scaring formulae and hypotheses beside that curve, it used to wake me up from my imagination and I scribbled them down for the upcoming test series, which never helped.

It was a few years after accepting my defeat in ProbStat (and subsequently in evens and odds of life) I realized the importance of Normal distribution. Most of the world’s phenomena follow this distribution. Traffic jams, ATM downtime, grading, elections, carbon dating, inflation, geometry of selfish herd, habits – every place where there is a possibility of precision in the crowd comprising of people with similar goals, normal distribution is applicable. Take for example a population of people who are into body building. There are very few John Abraham’s with 6 packs on their stomach and the majority lies in between John and Johnny Lever. Similarly majority lies between Sachin and Agarkar in population of cricketers. Based on this normal distribution I received my ‘C’ in the course because when the professor finally drew that fateful graph of post examination marks, I fell at the ‘C’ side of boundary of ‘D’ and ‘C’.

The point that normal curve proclaims is pretty simple – there are very few extraordinary people (be it on the positive side or the negative side) in this world and majority lies in being an average.

What is the point? Since we all are in one crowd or the other, knowing our position in the normal curve can give us some insight to our life. What about the couplet in the beginning? Well, there lies another crowd and another normal distribution.

being a witness...

Strange thing - we want to earn more and more money to buy certainty but it is not sold anywhere. More we buy more uncertainty we invite in our life. It becomes an endless circle of cause and consequence, where the consequence is the root cause of itself. Delicate feathers of life get buried beneath the misunderstood meanings.

Well yes, uncertainty is the inseparable part of life and we can bring not the ‘certainty’ in it, but ‘stability’ to certain extent. Stability - in the form of a trustworthy layer of discipline and well being, that can define the core of our existence. And it is an endless evolution. There is always a scope of improvement. After all, we don’t have to get sick to get better.

Also, we need to understand that there is a life inside and there is a life outside. Life outside is beyond our control and there is more uncertainty there hence. Life inside can be under our control which can bring stability within ourselves in encountering the life outside. This endless struggle of within and without… there are no answers to it… only witnesses…

storming brain...

World is an endless sphere, and the mind is afraid of horizons. And then mind gets split into tiny storms of thought-'lets'.

How frustrating it is when you cannot make your dearest parent or closest friend understand what you feel, or what you intend to do! What is the strange hesitation that stops you from freely expressing your ideas to the very people who share almost every significant moment of your life. Oh! May be that's the way it is meant to be - a painful, incorrigible irony of life. Or perhaps the intertwined sophistication of collective psychology where an individual loses his or her individuality in a tacit assumption that everything will be understood per se, which never happens.

It is a very common and easily visible phenomenon. Your own people will be the last to understand what you are or what you think and the first to discourage your ideas, talents and potential. Every success story has an ingredient of such phenomenon in it. Einstein could never have made it so big in Germany. Ayn Rand wouldn't be 'Ayn Rand' if she had stayed in Soviet Union. Even Swami Vivekananda's true talent was recognized after Chicago. Benjamin Franklin would have died a newspaper seller had he not moved to Philadelphia and London. Bruce Lee, Maria Sharapova, John Lennon, Johnny Nash, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Javed Akhtar... There is a big list of such people who had to face their own people as the first obstacle in their road to success. May be because they were the first in their cult to break free from the tradition, they were the first to pave way beyond the dead end of already set rules which were supposed to guide their lives... But their feathers were too bright to be imprisoned by the senility of conventions and so they flew away and became what they are known as today!

Oh! Pretense, confusion, hypocrisy, madness... Or perhaps it's just me and my schizophrenia talking to each other, understanding none, just trying to impress the world which stares back, beyond reach! Tch! I am tired of running, searching for a meaningful life. I think I will create it on my own now.

of whiskey and the weekend...

And so it happened that despite the fact that I don’t like drinking anymore, I had to attend a drink gathering thrown by my ‘onsite-returned’ colleagues. Just a day ago, I had thrown and broken the glass (of Whiskey) because I couldn’t take it anymore. Out of anger on myself, my shortcomings and my indiscipline – just after sipping less than half of the drink I threw the glass on the floor and walked out of the room leaving my roommates to clean the broken glasses on the floor. I felt bad later. I shouldn’t have done that.

But just one day passed and I was sitting with my colleagues savoring three different brands of 12 year old scotch, talking senselessly and what not. May be the reason would be that with some people your expectations are extremely high and you cannot see them indulged in such travesties. When you see the talents of these people being raped by pretense and indulgence, you just cannot tolerate that. Whereas with others, you know that they have reached the cul-de-sac of their minds and there is no road ahead for them, and so you are happy that they are at peace (or at least trying to be) with themselves, and there is no harm or hard emotions in being with them for a while.

The place was around 14 kilometers from where I live and the drinks went on till 4 in the morning. Everyone started to sleep when I and one of my colleagues decided to move out, go home and sleep. Everyone was insisting that we stayed there for the night, sleep there and go in the morning. The fear of unknown was thrown upon us in form of dark roads and notorious area, and we were left with choices.

Then I thought - it doesn’t matter to me where I sleep. What matters to me is where I wake up! Everyone in this world goes to sleep with a hope that when they wake up they will find peace, health and happiness. Some sleep after happy celebrations, some after unhappy frustrations, some after working hard the whole day and some after their tiresome journey. There are people sleeping on the sheds where buses stop during the days. There are people sleeping on the stairs of a temple. There are people sleeping in AC chambers in the highest rooms of the tallest towers. But people are not afraid or amused by where they sleep – they are afraid or amused by where they wake up. So I told my colleagues – ‘it is not that I am not comfortable sleeping here, it is just that I am not comfortable waking up here’.

So we two bid farewell to the rest, and started our way back at 4:30 in the morning, after lot of convincing and arguing. After driving with me for around 2 kilometers my colleague went on his way on a diversion and I kept moving at a time when the roads are so deserted that you wonder where the hell so many vehicles come on these roads at the rush hours. I drove my bike at a steady 30 kmph and kept thinking. If somebody asked me ‘what does life mean to you?’ what will I answer?

And then I tried answering myself: ‘Life is a strange struggle, which involves every man into it irrespective of his caste, creed, status or wealth. A man shivering on the footpath, who cannot sleep because he cannot afford a blanket, thinks about the struggle life will bring upon him the next morning. He thinks whether he will be able to get enough to eat or not. Then there is a man who is having dinner in the warmth of his home with his family. He is watching his LCD TV and wondering what surprises the stock market will bring tomorrow morning, how much profit will he make, how much loss he will incur. And there is a man who is wandering in the deserted roads of the city when nine tenth of the city is asleep, thinking all these thoughts.

Then suddenly a man out of nowhere signals me for a lift. Deserted roads, no traffic, and no human being… shall I give him lift or not… but I give. I wonder that ‘trust is a kind of thing which you cannot test without trusting…’ If everyone keeps thinking that I will trust the other person only when he trusts me – then nobody will trust anybody! It is just that without trusting someone, you cannot tell how trustworthy he or she is!

I drop the man on another diversion and reach home repeating my new found idea in my mind – "it doesn’t matter where I go to sleep, what really matters is where I wake up!…"

eight random things about me…

I got cursed by sidin unwantingly (is there a word like that?). I didn’t want to continue to be the part of curse because I don’t believe in curses and also I don't have a list of eight next victims (euphemism for 'hardly-5-good-people-visit-this-poor-blog'... he he he...) but I thought of giving it a try. I thought it would be a good time killer of sucking weekend (just see the previous post... he he he...). So I copy paste the rules part here:

/Copy Starts...

But before that, as convention demands, I recap the rules of this particular blog leisure activity:

1. Each player starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves.

2. People who are tagged, write a blog post about their own 8 random things, and post these rules.

3. At the end of your post you need to tag 8 people and include their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment and tell them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

4. If you fail to do this within eight hours, you will not reach Third Base or attain your most precious goals for at least two more lifetimes.

/Paste Ends...

1. I was a dreamer a few years ago. Then after entering my professional life slowly I grew up to become a failed idealist. When I could not carry the burden of being an idealist I tried being a realist. But reality scared me to death and the very idea of running the blind race brought me to knees. I could not bear its burden either. So now I am afraid that I am gradually turning into a fatalist. Phew!

2. I believe that lunar movements affect my life to a huge extent. Yeah! Might seem creepy but very true. I am at the bottom during no moon days and at the peak when it is full moon. See, today is no moon day and I have caught cold. After fifteen days there is going to be the peak! That brings me to another belief of mine in astrology. I tried to read the subject in a scientific way but I haven’t come across much of a good literature. Whenever I am at home in summer, I spend my nights gazing stars and trying to remember their names. Someday I believe I will be able to decode their secret.

3. Indian Army inspired me a lot during my college years. And to join the army I worked hard. For a year, I ran 4 kilometers every morning. And when I say morning I want you to visualize and feel the mornings of North India in winters when it is freezing outside with fog covering everything. After running those 4 kilometers like there was a rocket in my a$, I took bath with cold water when it used to be 0 degrees outside. (‘Crazy bastard!’ My mates used to call me.) But that much of running has kept me at a steady weight when my mates are now finding ways to reduce their bulky stomachs (he he he…) I even managed to clear CDS but as it turned out to be I became a software engineer! But I am ok (at least trying to be) with that.

4. My teachers used to call me a goon. Once in school, when I had to make a choice between computer classes and basketball I chose… yeah… basketball, though I didn’t make much of a name there (nor could I have made in computers :P…). I regret refusing the proposal of a girl in my secondary school. I could not understand what she saw in me! But now when I understand that it is natural biological attraction, I really feel terrible that I broke the heart of a beautiful girl (who is now married to an Army Major!!!...@#$@#!!!)

5. I regard Metallica and Linkin Park as my guardian angels. Without these two bands I could not have survived the tumult of my initial professional years. I am not a complete music buff who has compartmentalized knowledge of music in his brains, but music has the ability to move me. Jhonny Depp is the only actor of caliber according to me, after AB. And I am looking forward for Shantaram where the two big-shots come together.

6. I started writing diary when I was 10. I used to write what I did every day from shitting to my fights and arguments in school. Then one day I found my mom reading my diary which pissed my arrogant brains off and I burnt every page of that and flushed the ashes in toilet. After that I didn’t write for almost 10 years. On similar capricious note, I deleted the 69 posts which I had been writing in this blog since Jan 2006 in April this year and gave off my five diaries (which contained four years of my life) to the raddiwallah. Damn it! I am a hopeless compulsive arrogant kid at times!

7. In May 2005, I walked 40 kilometers in mountain forests of Shimla in 10 hours of continuous self-destructive journey, just to vent off my frustration. Without enough food and water, fear of animals and dark, when the journey was completed and body recovered from the mindless adventure - a weak boy had turned into a brave man who understood the importance of home and hearth. I thought of giving the idea into discovery channel’s I SHOULDN’T BE ALIVE, but stories there were even more macabre and dangerous. But now I don’t have any more intentions to try myself out in such adventures… he he he…

8. I have heard that we should be careful about making a wish because they often come true. One day I want to return (seems far and impossible) to a village (may be my own village) and live like a farmer. But before that I want to travel as much as I can. These words almost wet my eyes when I am completely in need of them:

Priest: You don’t belong here. Your face tells that your future is bright.
Ashoka: Is it? What is written in my face? That I will become an Emperor?
Priest: No. You destiny will make you even greater than an Emperor.
Ashoka: Who can be greater than an emperor?
Priest: A traveler. A traveler exceeds the fortune of the greatest emperors when his journey comes to an end.

Silence… Peace…

(I recap what I wrote... ) Hmmm... Not bad! Good time pass and gave some time to retrospect!

Now let me see who I can tag though very few bloggers are expected to land here... he he he... DK Sushil Grin Robin Rahul Rashmi Sonia Dave Phew!!! That makes eight of them. Two may get victimized, can't guarantee the rest six... :P...

weekend weakness...

It pisses me off hard when there is nothing to do on weekends. These two days and three nights have become more of a concern than a joy of retreat from work. Earlier I used to have something to read, but now that urge has started diminishing gradually. Sitting mindlessly in front of the television and watching mindless creativity (if that can be called so) is what happens now. But oh! I cannot sleep. I cannot inspire my mind to keep lying down on bed. When I close my eyes and try to give myself off to the darkness, every time I find a pain in the head, as if something is trying to escape from there.

I have stopped reading paper books. Now I read (if at all) the e-Books. The 50 kg burden of the wealth of my books is now compressed into 1 GB of space in my laptop’s hard disk. And this does not increase the tangible weight I have to carry.

Most of the time, I journey through the internet trying to find something to read. Yesterday, during one such hang out, I found myself a very thought provoking idea of great Punjabi poet Bhai Vir Singh. It said: ‘For understanding different religions, the emphasis is not so much on points of similarity as on uniqueness. There are many things common between a cow and a buffalo; but the cow and the buffalo are not the same.…’

I end this aimless blog post with the following couplet by Mr. Basheer Badr:

Mujhe suku.n Ghane jangalo.n mein milta hai
Main raasto.n se nahin manzilo.n se darta hoon…

fear is fun...

The knowledge is not complete until one relinquishes whatever he has learned. Mind is like a glass of water. It cannot hold more than its capacity. Whether it goes to a small pond or to an ocean it cannot fill more than it can hold. The only way it can own everything is by breaking itself and dissolving into the ocean. Sushil's blog says it in hindi here.

Since few days there is this strange fear of death revolving around me. Questions of almost meaningless absurdities are disturbing the peace of mind. Inevitable it is, but I don't want to escape from my fears anymore. After being scared of my fears for sometime now I have started getting intrigued by these questions. What will become of me after I die? Body will feed the earth, but where will I go? What will become of me? What is it that is floating in my head? What am I? Who am I?

Lord Krishna said a lot about this in second chapter of Bhagvad Gita:

Nainam Chhindanti ShastraNi, Nainam dahatii pavakah
Na Chainam kledtyantapoh, na shoshayatii marutah...

&

na jayate mriyate va kadachin nayam bhutva bhavita va na bhuyah
ajo nityah shashvato 'yam puraNo na hanyate hanyamane shariire...

It intrigues me now what this actually means. Just knowing these words is not enough until that fear has subsided from my total existence. My mission has transformed into becoming a person who has overcome all his fears. I want to make my fear fun.

This endless journey - when will it end?

fearlessness...

Fearlessness is that state of mind, when a person has come to know that nothing can disturb him anymore. No matter what happens, he is going to be at peace with himself and the universe. Not even death can bring him to his knees.

But then there are people who proclaim that they are fearless by frightening others. If left alone, they can kill themselves, which is why solitary confinement tramples the pride of hardest of criminals. Even an insane person living in a mental asylum can say that he is fearless. This kind of fearlessness is not true, its just pretense. A mad man may say that he is not afraid of anyone, but he is afraid of himself and the society is afraid of him. A true fearless man is he who has won his own fears and his very presence removes the fears of people surrounding him.

The origin of fear is weakness, fatigue and lack of knowledge. Sometimes we are just afraid that we will divulge the secret that we are weak and tired. Then there are fears of losing and being lost. Sometimes we are afraid of ourselves so much that it causes depression, it makes us hate ourselves. Some get so scared that they commit suicide or come near to killing themselves.

There is this very interesting concept – Pareto’s 80-20 Statistics. According to this 80% of the problems are caused by 20% of the problems. That is, if we can wash away the small traces of fear from our thoughts, we can remove big existential problems from our life.

Relaxed mind is not afraid. Only knowledge can ward off fear.

One day, I want to look in the face of the fear and say – ‘I am not afraid anymore’.

it thinks in me...

The strange thing happening these days is that I can see my mind thinking. That is, I no longer think, now it thinks in me. There are ear piercing screams, indecipherable whispers, random thoughts which have no meaning, images from past, fantasies of future and above all a fear of unknown.

Another strange thing is that it is thinking inside me even when I don't want to think. It does not listen to me. It keeps mumbling. Body also is going through some changes. Psychology has a direct link with the biology (the way rupee appreciation has link with salaries of IT professionals). The more mind gets lost, the body suffers.

This leads me to another thought. Strangely, good life has become synonymous with good paycheck. But ideally there is no relation between the two. A farmer may be living a better life than a CEO; an IT professional may be living a better life than a spiritual guru! There are no defined boundaries here.

Deep inside there are fears. Fear of change, of death, of taking risks! Even though I know their futility, I feel unable to change them. I have become a prisoner of myself!

the "purpose" of life...

In this booming 10%-growth-rate economy we have necessary skills and necessary equipment to make our life easy, secure and comfortable. The civilization has reached the point where we can afford the luxury of asking ourselves the question – ‘What is the meaning of life? What is the purpose of life?’ Without today’s technology, today’s social structure and man’s interdependency, we wouldn’t have dared ask such questions.

Technically “purpose” in its most general sense is the anticipated aim which guides action. (from Wikipedia)

Some centuries ago, when survival was rare and difficult, ‘survival’ was the purpose of human life. To keep the species alive and to stay alive was the sole purpose of the homosapiens. That was a challenge which only a few could outrun. But then slowly with increasing social dependency and interdependency, the survival didn’t remain a challenge anymore and so the purpose of life had to be rewritten.

This leads us to an inference that - which challenges us or threatens our existence, becomes our purpose. Imagine yourself stuck alone in the middle of a fierce jungle and the night is about to fall (I am asking you to imagine this out of my own experience) and you don’t know whether you are approaching your end or your home. You will forget everything and put all your energy to get out of the fear and darkness. That desire of a safe warm place will become your very purpose of life because you cannot see your life beyond that darkness.

This leads us to another inference that – comfort brings boredom to life and subsequently incurable disease of mind-ness. Life having many comfortable alternatives stays distracted and unfocused and consequently stinking, sulking and searching mindlessly for the purposes of life.

Life doesn’t have any purpose as such. Purpose of life ultimately - is to stay alive, and keep on finding the "purpose"! And if you think more deeply you'll find that, our 'purpose' of life comes from our 'meaning' of life! What life means to us, guides our action and pushes us towards our so called (bloody) 'purpose'.

the flow...

Before anything further, I need to confess to myself and to all who are connected to me through this blog that amidst the chaos of mind and conflicts of thoughts, whatever I write and express here has meaning at one moment, but becomes a senseless story another moment. Even though I try my best to understand and write out the complicacies of my mind, yet clarity of mind and purity of emotions evade me. Still, I forgive myself hoping one day I will make it.

Corruption of mind reaches such an extent that it seeks more and more attention, leaving behind the essence of originality and humility which give it the very power of thought. It is difficult for the mind to live in anonymity; it is suffocating for it to stay without thought, and loneliness smothers it. But I still hope that one day I will be able to bring clarity to my mind, one day I will be able to see things as they are.

Life is a continuous flow. But we out of our limited awareness see it at discrete intervals. Life for us is those moments which leave a strong imprint in our memory. Look at a tree. The time we planted it, the time it blossomed the first time, the time first fruit grew on it, the time it was cut down! That’s the life in discrete intervals. But life of the tree was every moment that passed through, every leaf taking shape, the wind flowing though its branches, the rain, the snow, the dark nights, the scorching days, the falling of leaves.

What is a river for us? - The glacier, the fountain, the dam, the delta, the bridge, the bay. But the same river crosses through the unknown, unseen, uninhabited valleys, it passes through the mundane stones and sand which remain unnoticed forever, it is the same river which carries the dirt of the city along with it – that is also the very river.

Life happens like continuous flow, but is understood as a discrete happening. Life didn’t happen only when we were born, or we kissed our first kiss, or we accomplished our first success, or when we lost someone special, or we met someone special, or when 9/11 happened or we got our first job. Life is happening right now, right at the moment you are reading this. It is just that there is nothing which makes it so special to be remembered.

Life keeps flowing; but most of the time we are not swimming along with it. We are stuck at some whirlpool or holding too tight from falling down with a fountain or too scared to get mixed with the ocean.

eerie...

This video is a result of my retreat to the village recently. Interestingly I was bit by a spider there on my neck! I wished I could metamorphose into a spiderman, but as it turned out my neck grew skin infection which stayed for more than a week! And upon that, to heal the infection I did not consult any doctor, but a faith healer of my village who read some mantras and smeared the wound with ashes! Creepy little village...



Idea : I.
Music : From Pink Floyd's 'Atomic Heart Mother'.
Pictures : From Here and There.

basic instincts - II...

We all are descendants of the farmers, hunters and nomads. That’s what we were in the beginning of the struggle. Farmers! Hunters! Nomads!

It’s when we had enough to keep ourselves alive physically that the struggle for survival changed from physical to mental. In the beginning the struggle was only for the food, security and to keep the species flourishing. And no doubt when this shift happened the strength also demanded a shift from physical to mental. Today mental strength plays more important role than physical strength when it comes to survival. Creativity is the necessity and everyone wants to make a mark of his/her own. Though not everyone comes to make a name in this world yet everyone needs a healthy identity to survive and grow.

No matter what the survival needs have become today – from food to fashion, from security to having own house, from things to learn from, to things to earn from – the fact remains buried deep in every human heart that we are the sons of farmers, hunters and nomads. And we cannot deny that, that instinct stays right there with us wherever we go, whatever we do, however we live.

Nomads made the ways between farmers and hunters. Some of those nomads became businessmen, some entertainers. Hunters’ curiosity for new lands was aroused and wars were waged. Farmers came in each others’ contact and ideas were shared. Mergers of tribes happened to make villages. Mergers of villages happened into states and states into nations. That’s how we see the world today – an extrapolated imagery of man’s primary instincts of being a farmer, nomad and hunter.

basic instincts...

One thing I am pretty sure of is that – imagination or reason cannot give us the power to take decisions. The choices we make are the result of our instinctive power. That is, our instincts give us the power to make choice, whereas imagination and reason just give it a direction.

For instance, I can stand looking at a mountain thinking that I must climb the mountain. I can bring out the good points and the bad points about the adventure by my reason. But until my instincts guide me, I won’t be able to take even a single step towards the mountain leave alone reaching the summit.

Most of the choices suffer from this instinctive breakdown. Imagination helps us in seeing ourselves in new situation. Reason helps us listing out all pros and cons, quid pro quos. But the first step is taken always by the instincts.

That’s where the power actually lies – in the instincts. You can imagine doing a thing, reason for the good and bad but to take the first step – you need instincts.

Instincts are like the powerhouse of progress. Reason is the tool to be prepared. And imagination is a tool to see the new.

So, now the concern should be to strengthen the instincts, clarify the reason and polish the imagination.

an incomplete retreat...

(I)

Everyone has a limit… Physical, Mental… For last few years I had been running wild, without any direction, living a fancy of unrealistic dreams; but still working my way through my profession which earns me my bread and butter, cereals and cigarettes. In an ethical sense I think I have done injustice to my profession in beginning years when I spent my time more on my philosophical growth than profession growth, reading my way through almost every book I came across (though not necessarily finishing it) when I should have been looking out for the growth opportunities and enhancing my technical knowledge to boost my “career”. But that’s past now.

Last year around same time I had retreated back to the mountains but for an entirely different reason. Mentally and physically ill, not sure of what I need to do or “why am I doing what I am doing”, at that time my struggle was – ‘to be or not to be’. I came out well in that struggle and next one year I spent contemplating on my life from a broader perspective and becoming more realistic, complaining less and letting life happen. My friend (or perhaps alter ego) joined me and that gave a different dimension to my life. I can’t imagine I could have come this far without his company. But again, life wasn’t meant to be stagnant and I needed to become an identity of my own, and this was a struggle in itself. So after one year of hard work and mental struggle I returned again to my village to recharge myself once again. This time I allowed it to happen. I didn’t push it like last time. I just let it happen. I could have pushed it but then I knew that the prison I want to break free from lies not in the place I live, the prison is right inside me and I need to break free from it here and now. The struggle of this retreat is – ‘how to be what I want to be’.

(II)

When I come to my village, which is situated in inner Himalayan regions of Himachal Pradesh, altitude ranging from 2000 to 3000 meters with sub-tropical vegetation, I not only return to an entirely different place from the development explosive plateau city of Hyderabad but also in an entirely different time. It is as if I have come back some 20 years from where I was. You cannot make living here with similar curriculum vitae as you can in Hyderabad. IT isn’t I.T. here; it is just ‘it’.

A place where air is still fresh and you can actually breathe in without any dangers of losing your lungs, a place where people know their neighbors and relations are still important, and a place where agriculture is still a part of everyone’s daily life. I retreat to a place where gaddi nomads live, a tribe which wanders with its sheep flocks, untouched by the 21st century or globalization, unaffected from the interest rates, government policies and taxes. (I think they qualify to be the mankind available in purest form today, as it was in the beginning. Living in own terms.)

To recharge my broken spirit, I retreat to my village. It gives me courage to move on further keeping itself at the back of my mind. I ask the existential questions to the mountains and they give me the answers. I sit looking at the clouds and the sunset which gives me strength. I sit silent just breathing the fresh air and that boosts my soul. I dig my land to grow vegetables and that brings back my instincts. This is the place where my roots are. This is where life actually lives, unlike the city where life simply exists.

O Lord...

Take away my fears
They scare my simplicity

Take away my obsessions
They scorch my soul

Take away my ambitions
They push me around

Take away my comfort
It makes me slothful

Take everything away
And give me back myself

Give me back my emptiness...

with or without wings...

If I ask you (the helpless reader who somehow ended up reading this blog-post) 'which one is your favorite animal' what will you say... 'What a stupid question?' Yeah! That's one thing you might say. But since I don't have anything to do today so I request you to just expand your awareness around and see which one is your favorite animal (leave your colleagues, for we all fall under same species…) in the nature?

We will not get too technical here. Birds also included. So let us not get into domain, kingdom, phylum & subphylum, class & subclass, order, family, gene and species concepts here. Everyone's included except humans – from amoeba to dinosaurs, everyone!

So? Lion? Leopard? Horse? Dog? Cat? Rabbit? Monkey? Deer? Eagle? Snake? Hummingbird? Bumblebee? He he he!

Well, these are the members of kingdom-animalia I could remember, but there can be more. You may ask – what do I mean by favorite? And, I would say by favorite I mean 'like favorite actor/actress, favorite singer, and favorite music, favorite dish, and fruit' – the one who/which inspires!

Why is Big B a favorite actor of people around the world? Why is Rajini – The BOSS, a legend of south Indian populace (I included)? Why is Linkin Park famous among youngsters? Why is Kishoreda a resort to heart-broken? Why is Sunny Leone or Paris Hilton so famous among teenagers (wink ;)…)? Why? Why? Why? Inspiration! They (their talents, their personalities) are the companions of our deep anonymity to our own identities.

On the similar 'why?' notes I want you to contemplate which is your favorite animal and 'why?'

Yesterday, I was watching Discovery channel - a series on Penguins of the North Pole. And by god! I became a big fan of these sweet looking penguins after I watched them struggle and enjoy their "life" in 90 degrees below zero!

Tch! I am a fan of this fellow. Well, it is imperative that we must have a role model and a source of inspiration to guide us through the peaks and troughs of life. Penguin qualifies exceptionally well in that area! You will not be able to stop yourself from admiring this cute and sweet animal's struggle of life when you watch 'March of the Penguins'!