this feeling...

It's a strange feeling. It makes you realize that you are made up of different parts - parts that will never fit together. It makes you aware that you are imperfect. That you are insignificant in this complex hierarchy of spiritual evolution. You have doubts, fears - ghosts that never leave you alone and desires - that that always remain unsatisfied. Whoever you are, whatever you do - you know your insecurities. You are demanding, your ego is fragile - you can't bear contradictions to your beliefs and at the same time you want to break free from everything.

And as you evolve through this feeling - you gradually start understanding this puzzle. You accept your insignificance. You learn to live with your ghosts, but you never feed them your energy. You put all efforts to fulfill your desires but never let desires take control of your efforts. You learn to walk with your insecurities. You let your ego break.

You become comfortable with the reality that you are in fact, imperfect - and you just let this feeling guide you towards your destiny. Perhaps it's love - the evolution of a soul from what it is to what it should be - free.

possibilities...

in the darkness of my mind
through the weakness of my desires
when all my restless soul could do
was just hold on until the dawn

my heart squeezed and
infused a purposeful life
into my aimless existence

I held eternity in my hands
that soft touch of
all possibilities and little certainty
all senses, every emotion
intense, weak, fearful and brave
all at the same time

promises filled with fear
love filled with anger and jealousy
but still caring

with that sweet squeeze in my heart
for just that moment
I lost and then found myself
I pledged my heart and then let myself fall

numb...

this fear freezing around my heart
making pain melt in my eyes
this anger rubbing all over my throat

why don't I just let my hope die
and end this forever..

shantaram...

Opening lines from Gregory David Robert's Shantaram:

"It took me a long time and most of the world to learn what I know about love and fate and the choices we make, but the heart of it came to me in an instant, while I was chained to a wall and being tortured. I realized, somehow, through the screaming in my mind, that even in that shackled, bloody helplessness, I was still free: free to hate the men who were torturing me, or to forgive them. It doesn't sound like much, I know. But in the flinch and bite of the chain, when its all you have got, that freedom is a universe of possibility. And the choice you make, between hating and forgiving,can become the story of your life."

back from there... shimla!

on vacation.. goin' there!

to the unknown man...

To the unknown man at the Tower Hill underground station ATM - you were withdrawing money in front of me in the queue and left in a hurry. When I tried to put my debit card in the machine, it started beeping. You had forgotten to take your cash from the machine. I tried to find you but you were lost in the crowd and all the backs looked the same to me. Anyways, don’t worry. I know it would be impossible to find you now. So I have passed that money to a charity group in your name (which I don’t know). May the goodness of the deeds that that money gets used in; return to you in form of blessings!

vanity...

What has happened to me?

What is this heaviness in my thoughts?

What is this guilt in my actions?

What is this wastefulness in the choices I make?

What is this hopelessness in my ambitions?

What is this sadness in every breath?

What for is this anger in my eyes?

Vanity?

2:62-63...

Source

While contemplating the objects of the senses, a person develops attachment for them, and from such attachment desire develops, and from desire anger arises.

From anger, delusion arises, and from delusion bewilderment of memory. When memory is bewildered, intelligence is lost, and when intelligence is lost, one falls down again into the material pool.

आम आदमी...

बेमकसद हौसले, लापरवाह कदम
बेवजह शिकवे, बेपनाह बेकार ग़म |

अधपके कुछ ख्याल, आधे अधूरे कुछ ख्वाब
कुछ कर गुज़रने की तलब, मगर वहम बेहिसाब |

भीड़ में खोया हुआ चेहरा, वही जाने पहचाने कुछ राज़
फ़िजूल सोच, सस्ती जिंदगी, ख़ुद ही से नज़रंदाज़ आवाज़ |

मैं - एक आम आदमी
मेरी आखें कभी देखना बंद नहीं करतीं
अंधेरे में भी मुझे मेरा अक्स दिखता है
रौशनी कभी मेरी रूह को छू भी नहीं पाती
और मैं ख़ुद की परछाइयों से डरता हूँ |

think different...

the heart sutra...

stray thoughts...

It's been a while. I had nothing to say. I was listening. And observing. As if out of some divine order, I was supposed to just listen and observe. Mind didn't have enough space to think and speak out or write. For a change (for better), I can say I was busy listening.

Watching the world through my eyes, understanding through my experiences and expressing through my opinions, I had had enough of it. Well, everyone thinks - what he says, thinks or does is right. And he will do anything, fabricate any reason to justify the righteousness of his words, thoughts and actions. But then suddenly some day, something changes when you look at the world from inside someone else and you find that it's a completely different place. Strange place.

I had had my views and my opinions. I wanted to see someone else's views and understand someone else's opinions. But could do only the first part. Was too arrogant to accept or perhaps even understand the other half. Well, it's not enough to know what a person thinks. What makes that person think that way, where are those thoughts arising from, what is the source of those ideas - without knowing answers to these, understanding is not complete.

People disagree even though they are right. People agree even though they are wrong. We often misunderstand different points of view as disagreement, a scalene geometry of thoughts - incompatible. Thinking 'in' different directions and thinking 'from' different directions are two different things. Thinking in different directions broadens the horizons of thought, and thinking from different directions strengthens the base of an idea. Now whether this is a strength or weakness really depends on how the formula is applied.

It's instinctive trying to possess something dear. Letting go is tough, when time snatches it away from you. That's the test of large hearts - how much, how big, how dear they can let go without getting bothered. The cliche goes 'Rich is he who has nothing to lose' - theoretically. But we all have something dear which we never want to lose - a person, an idea, a place or a laptop or an iPod or even our lives. Divided into these things, people, places and ideas - we cannot let go and it's hard for us to recover from their loss, which is the inevitability time makes us confront one day or the other.

book meme...

Moi take on Booking Through Thursday's book meme:

What was the last book you bought?

The Devil Drives by Fawn Brodie.

Name a book you have read MORE than once.

Hmmm! (thinking) Zen in the Martial Arts by Joe Hyams.

Has a book ever fundamentally changed the way you see life? If yes, what was it?

Fountainhead by Ayn Rand.

How do you choose a book? e.g. by cover design and summary, recommendations or reviews.

Recommendations mostly!

Do you prefer Fiction or Non-Fiction?

Used to love fiction once. But now more into non-fiction.

What’s more important in a novel - beautiful writing or a gripping plot?

Gripping plot.

Most loved/memorable character (character/book).

Howard Roark. (not loved but memorable!)

Which book or books can be found on your nightstand at the moment?

The Devil Drives by Fawn Brodie.
The Death of Inflation by Roger Bootle.
The World is Curved by David Smick.

What was the last book you’ve read, and when was it?

The Age of Kali by William Dalrymple, a few weeks ago.

Have you ever given up on a book half way in?

I think! Errrr! I have given up almost every book halfway. :(

मंजिल...

वो मंजिल
जिसके लिए तुम जी रहे हो
हर रोज़, हर घड़ी
हर कदम, हर साँस
उसकी तरफ़ बढ़ रहे हो |

जिसके लिए तुमने अपना सब कुछ
दांव पर लगा छोड़ा है
जिसकी आरज़ू में जितना भी
तुम तड़प रहे हो थोड़ा है |

वो मंजिल
जो तुम्हें तुम्हारी सरहदों से
बहुत दूर खींच लाई है
जिसने तुम्हें दौड़ाया ज़्यादा
मगर प्यास कम बुझाई है |

नींद से जागो, आखें खोलो
और ज़रा देखो के वो मंजिल ख़ुद
कई रास्तों में उलझी हुई
किसी और मंजिल को ढूँढ रही है |

ज़रा ठहरो, ज़रा साँस लो, ज़रा समझो
जो भी रास्ता तुम चुनोगे
जिस भी ओर तुम बढोगे
वो मंजिल तुम्हारे साथ आएगी |

face it...

you think you can escape
just run away
from all this pain
and it will go away?
you think there is a place
home, or somewhere
where you can feel safe?
you think there is someone
who can always keep you safe?

wake up,
if you cultivate your weaknesses
fear is what you will reap
there is no way out of it
but yes, sometimes
there is a way through it

and, if you want to be fearless
first give up your weakness!

शब्द...

शब्दों को मत पढो
शब्दों के पीछे
छुपे हुए इंसान को देखो
वो किस तरह
टूटता जुड़ता गिरता संभलता
एक शब्द बना है, उसे समझो

शब्दों की कड़वाहट
शब्दों की मिठास
शब्दों की घबराहट
शब्दों की प्यास
कच्चे पक्के शब्द
अच्छे बुरे शब्द
कहे अनकहे शब्द
भूले हुए और
भुला न सकने वाले शब्द

सभी,
जीवन का एक गुज़रा हुआ क्षण थे
जो आया और चला गया
मगर अपने पीछे इन शब्दों को छोड़ गया
जिन्हें तुम आज देख रहे हो |

भ्रम की खोज...

शून्य के अथाह आकाश को
अस्तित्व के धरातल से जोड़ता
समय का धुन्दला क्षितिज
एक भ्रम
और इस भ्रम के ऊपर खिंची
हर पल बदलती कुछ रेखाएं
जिन्हें मनुष्य ने जीवन का अर्थ समझा और
सब कुछ भुला कर वह निकल पड़ा
क्षितिज का पीछा करते हुए
धुएँ से लिखे एक अर्थ की खोज में |

arrogance of an egotist...

Disclaimer: Ideas presented are personal and prone to changes.

In an ordinary day, when emotions are dull, instincts are blunt and senses are over or underused, we are headed straight towards self destruction. We are afraid of being alone, we think that we are the unimportant footnotes of life, but still we isolate ourselves from the outer world thinking we are different from others. All the desires, all the ambitions to raise ourselves from this life of continuous suffering are hollow. Something more fundamental, very basic is missing in our existence. Dreams of attaining absolute freedom, economic independence are nothing but illusions of a mistaken identity. Not a single moment is passing without this perpetual emotional tumult, this agony of making simple life choices.

What is our life anyway. We are one among hundreds of thousands of ordinary people like us who are a mere vulgar accident of evolution. World doesn't need us and in all probability doesn't want us. We need the world for ourselves to survive. We are the disposable samples of humanity which world uses everyday for its experiments with life. Still we try to console ourselves with the illusions of purpose, of goals which are no more than a few steps in no direction in a dark road. We build our life based on tangible, transient things. Our job, our family, our friends, our bank balance, our material possessions, our beliefs, our ideas out of which only a few come from direct experience, rest are the result of vicarious feelings, second hand experiences. They define our existence.

Then one day the moment of clarity happens, the epiphany, and suddenly we realize that these things can be snatched away from us in less than a moment. And immediately, we stick harder to them, because if we lose them, we lose our life. But that doesn't help and sooner or later, the thing or the idea or the person through which or whom we were trying to find ourselves is lost. A relapse, a shock, alive but no sign of life.

And then we realize that we are not all these things. We realize that our existence doesn't depend on these things. We are only that part of our existence which cannot be taken away from us. Ever. Suddenly heart sinks in, complete chaos, like whole existence being sucked into vacuum, reality which was built in years shatters down in just a second. A search begins for that indestructible part of our life on which everything, 'everything' stands. Everything else loses its meaning.

We realize, we don't need our job, our bank balance, our family, our friends, our partners - we need a guiding light which can take us out of our suffering, the daily unstoppable suffocation inside. Despite every choice that we make in life, ultimately everyone, regardless of his/her status race creed or cult, has to face this truth alone that life is nothing but a preparation for eternity. [Rick Warren]

purpose of life...

I was going through the TED talks when I stumbled upon a talk by Rick Warren. Curiosity rose and I started reading his book 'The Purpose Driven Life'. Being an atheist it was a real test for my patience to start reading this book because at every line there is at least one G word there. But there was this interesting insight in it which kept me going:

Contrary to what many popular books, movies, and seminars tell you, you won't discover your life's meaning by looking within yourself. You've probably tried that already. You didn't create yourself, so there is no way you can tell yourself what you were created for! If I handed you an invention you had never seen before, you wouldn't know its purpose, and the invention itself wouldn't be able to tell you either. Only the creator or the owner's manual could reveal its purpose.

The Purpose Driven...

Hosted by eSnips

मामूली...

कुछ सपने, कुछ हकीकत
कुछ डर, कुछ ख्वाहिशें
थोड़ा दर्द, थोड़ी खुशी
कभी रास्ते तो कभी मंजिलें

सीने में दबी सिसकियाँ
होठों पर थकी हुई मुस्कराहट
कुछ ढूँढती हुई सी आँखें
साँसों से लटकी हुई घबराहट
चेहरे में दफन एक तलाश
लिखावट के ऊपर लिखावट

जिंदगी की भारी किताब के इस
मामूली से पन्ने को
न जाने किस बात का गुरूर था
जिंदगी ने तो इसे कभी पलट कर देखा भी नहीं

कभी कुछ लिखा तो कभी कुछ मिटा दिया
कुछ बातें याद रहीं और बाकी को यूं ही भुला दिया
फ़िर एक दिन ऐसे फाड़ कर फ़ेंक दिया
जैसे ये कभी ज़िन्दगी का हिस्सा भी ना रहा हो |