O Absolute energy! O Ultimate consciousness! Grant me the fearlessness to be myself. Grant me the courage to face every change and uncertainty of life with strength and honor. Grant me the knowledge to keep my body and mind healthy and strong. Grant me the wisdom to keep my mind balanced in highest of rewards and harshest of situations. Bless every moment, every breath of my life with learning and growth. The moment this learning and growth stops, let that moment be the end of my life. Amen!
Fearlessness is that state of mind, when a person has come to know that nothing can disturb him anymore. No matter what happens, he is going to be at peace with himself and the universe. Not even death can bring him to his knees.
But then there are people who proclaim that they are fearless by frightening others. If left alone, they can kill themselves, which is why solitary confinement tramples the pride of hardest of criminals. Even an insane person living in a mental asylum can say that he is fearless. This kind of fearlessness is not true, its just pretense. A mad man may say that he is not afraid of anyone, but he is afraid of himself and the society is afraid of him. A true fearless man is he who has won his own fears and his very presence removes the fears of people surrounding him.
The origin of fear is weakness, fatigue and lack of knowledge. Sometimes we are just afraid that we will divulge the secret that we are weak and tired. Then there are fears of losing and being lost. Sometimes we are afraid of ourselves so much that it causes depression, it makes us hate ourselves. Some get so scared that they commit suicide or come near to killing themselves.
There is this very interesting concept – Pareto’s 80-20 Statistics. According to this 80% of the problems are caused by 20% of the problems. That is, if we can wash away the small traces of fear from our thoughts, we can remove big existential problems from our life.
Relaxed mind is not afraid. Only knowledge can ward off fear.
One day, I want to look in the face of the fear and say – ‘I am not afraid anymore’.
The strange thing happening these days is that I can see my mind thinking. That is, I no longer think, now it thinks in me. There are ear piercing screams, indecipherable whispers, random thoughts which have no meaning, images from past, fantasies of future and above all a fear of unknown.
Another strange thing is that it is thinking inside me even when I don't want to think. It does not listen to me. It keeps mumbling. Body also is going through some changes. Psychology has a direct link with the biology (the way rupee appreciation has link with salaries of IT professionals). The more mind gets lost, the body suffers.
This leads me to another thought. Strangely, good life has become synonymous with good paycheck. But ideally there is no relation between the two. A farmer may be living a better life than a CEO; an IT professional may be living a better life than a spiritual guru! There are no defined boundaries here.
Deep inside there are fears. Fear of change, of death, of taking risks! Even though I know their futility, I feel unable to change them. I have become a prisoner of myself!
In this booming 10%-growth-rate economy we have necessary skills and necessary equipment to make our life easy, secure and comfortable. The civilization has reached the point where we can afford the luxury of asking ourselves the question – ‘What is the meaning of life? What is the purpose of life?’ Without today’s technology, today’s social structure and man’s interdependency, we wouldn’t have dared ask such questions.
Technically “purpose” in its most general sense is the anticipated aim which guides action. (from Wikipedia)
Some centuries ago, when survival was rare and difficult, ‘survival’ was the purpose of human life. To keep the species alive and to stay alive was the sole purpose of the homosapiens. That was a challenge which only a few could outrun. But then slowly with increasing social dependency and interdependency, the survival didn’t remain a challenge anymore and so the purpose of life had to be rewritten.
This leads us to an inference that - which challenges us or threatens our existence, becomes our purpose. Imagine yourself stuck alone in the middle of a fierce jungle and the night is about to fall (I am asking you to imagine this out of my own experience) and you don’t know whether you are approaching your end or your home. You will forget everything and put all your energy to get out of the fear and darkness. That desire of a safe warm place will become your very purpose of life because you cannot see your life beyond that darkness.
This leads us to another inference that – comfort brings boredom to life and subsequently incurable disease of mind-ness. Life having many comfortable alternatives stays distracted and unfocused and consequently stinking, sulking and searching mindlessly for the purposes of life.
Life doesn’t have any purpose as such. Purpose of life ultimately - is to stay alive, and keep on finding the "purpose"! And if you think more deeply you'll find that, our 'purpose' of life comes from our 'meaning' of life! What life means to us, guides our action and pushes us towards our so called (bloody) 'purpose'.
Before anything further, I need to confess to myself and to all who are connected to me through this blog that amidst the chaos of mind and conflicts of thoughts, whatever I write and express here has meaning at one moment, but becomes a senseless story another moment. Even though I try my best to understand and write out the complicacies of my mind, yet clarity of mind and purity of emotions evade me. Still, I forgive myself hoping one day I will make it.
Corruption of mind reaches such an extent that it seeks more and more attention, leaving behind the essence of originality and humility which give it the very power of thought. It is difficult for the mind to live in anonymity; it is suffocating for it to stay without thought, and loneliness smothers it. But I still hope that one day I will be able to bring clarity to my mind, one day I will be able to see things as they are.
Life is a continuous flow. But we out of our limited awareness see it at discrete intervals. Life for us is those moments which leave a strong imprint in our memory. Look at a tree. The time we planted it, the time it blossomed the first time, the time first fruit grew on it, the time it was cut down! That’s the life in discrete intervals. But life of the tree was every moment that passed through, every leaf taking shape, the wind flowing though its branches, the rain, the snow, the dark nights, the scorching days, the falling of leaves.
What is a river for us? - The glacier, the fountain, the dam, the delta, the bridge, the bay. But the same river crosses through the unknown, unseen, uninhabited valleys, it passes through the mundane stones and sand which remain unnoticed forever, it is the same river which carries the dirt of the city along with it – that is also the very river.
Life happens like continuous flow, but is understood as a discrete happening. Life didn’t happen only when we were born, or we kissed our first kiss, or we accomplished our first success, or when we lost someone special, or we met someone special, or when 9/11 happened or we got our first job. Life is happening right now, right at the moment you are reading this. It is just that there is nothing which makes it so special to be remembered.
Life keeps flowing; but most of the time we are not swimming along with it. We are stuck at some whirlpool or holding too tight from falling down with a fountain or too scared to get mixed with the ocean.
This video is a result of my retreat to the village recently. Interestingly I was bit by a spider there on my neck! I wished I could metamorphose into a spiderman, but as it turned out my neck grew skin infection which stayed for more than a week! And upon that, to heal the infection I did not consult any doctor, but a faith healer of my village who read some mantras and smeared the wound with ashes! Creepy little village...
Idea : I. Music : From Pink Floyd's 'Atomic Heart Mother'. Pictures : From Here and There.
We all are descendants of the farmers, hunters and nomads. That’s what we were in the beginning of the struggle. Farmers! Hunters! Nomads!
It’s when we had enough to keep ourselves alive physically that the struggle for survival changed from physical to mental. In the beginning the struggle was only for the food, security and to keep the species flourishing. And no doubt when this shift happened the strength also demanded a shift from physical to mental. Today mental strength plays more important role than physical strength when it comes to survival. Creativity is the necessity and everyone wants to make a mark of his/her own. Though not everyone comes to make a name in this world yet everyone needs a healthy identity to survive and grow.
No matter what the survival needs have become today – from food to fashion, from security to having own house, from things to learn from, to things to earn from – the fact remains buried deep in every human heart that we are the sons of farmers, hunters and nomads. And we cannot deny that, that instinct stays right there with us wherever we go, whatever we do, however we live.
Nomads made the ways between farmers and hunters. Some of those nomads became businessmen, some entertainers. Hunters’ curiosity for new lands was aroused and wars were waged. Farmers came in each others’ contact and ideas were shared. Mergers of tribes happened to make villages. Mergers of villages happened into states and states into nations. That’s how we see the world today – an extrapolated imagery of man’s primary instincts of being a farmer, nomad and hunter.
One thing I am pretty sure of is that – imagination or reason cannot give us the power to take decisions. The choices we make are the result of our instinctive power. That is, our instincts give us the power to make choice, whereas imagination and reason just give it a direction.
For instance, I can stand looking at a mountain thinking that I must climb the mountain. I can bring out the good points and the bad points about the adventure by my reason. But until my instincts guide me, I won’t be able to take even a single step towards the mountain leave alone reaching the summit.
Most of the choices suffer from this instinctive breakdown. Imagination helps us in seeing ourselves in new situation. Reason helps us listing out all pros and cons, quid pro quos. But the first step is taken always by the instincts.
That’s where the power actually lies – in the instincts. You can imagine doing a thing, reason for the good and bad but to take the first step – you need instincts.
Instincts are like the powerhouse of progress. Reason is the tool to be prepared. And imagination is a tool to see the new.
So, now the concern should be to strengthen the instincts, clarify the reason and polish the imagination.
Everyone has a limit… Physical, Mental… For last few years I had been running wild, without any direction, living a fancy of unrealistic dreams; but still working my way through my profession which earns me my bread and butter, cereals and cigarettes. In an ethical sense I think I have done injustice to my profession in beginning years when I spent my time more on my philosophical growth than profession growth, reading my way through almost every book I came across (though not necessarily finishing it) when I should have been looking out for the growth opportunities and enhancing my technical knowledge to boost my “career”. But that’s past now.
Last year around same time I had retreated back to the mountains but for an entirely different reason. Mentally and physically ill, not sure of what I need to do or “why am I doing what I am doing”, at that time my struggle was – ‘to be or not to be’. I came out well in that struggle and next one year I spent contemplating on my life from a broader perspective and becoming more realistic, complaining less and letting life happen. My friend (or perhaps alter ego) joined me and that gave a different dimension to my life. I can’t imagine I could have come this far without his company. But again, life wasn’t meant to be stagnant and I needed to become an identity of my own, and this was a struggle in itself. So after one year of hard work and mental struggle I returned again to my village to recharge myself once again. This time I allowed it to happen. I didn’t push it like last time. I just let it happen. I could have pushed it but then I knew that the prison I want to break free from lies not in the place I live, the prison is right inside me and I need to break free from it here and now. The struggle of this retreat is – ‘how to be what I want to be’.
(II)
When I come to my village, which is situated in inner Himalayan regions of Himachal Pradesh, altitude ranging from 2000 to 3000 meters with sub-tropical vegetation, I not only return to an entirely different place from the development explosive plateau city of Hyderabad but also in an entirely different time. It is as if I have come back some 20 years from where I was. You cannot make living here with similar curriculum vitae as you can in Hyderabad. IT isn’t I.T. here; it is just ‘it’.
A place where air is still fresh and you can actually breathe in without any dangers of losing your lungs, a place where people know their neighbors and relations are still important, and a place where agriculture is still a part of everyone’s daily life. I retreat to a place where gaddi nomads live, a tribe which wanders with its sheep flocks, untouched by the 21st century or globalization, unaffected from the interest rates, government policies and taxes. (I think they qualify to be the mankind available in purest form today, as it was in the beginning. Living in own terms.)
To recharge my broken spirit, I retreat to my village. It gives me courage to move on further keeping itself at the back of my mind. I ask the existential questions to the mountains and they give me the answers. I sit looking at the clouds and the sunset which gives me strength. I sit silent just breathing the fresh air and that boosts my soul. I dig my land to grow vegetables and that brings back my instincts. This is the place where my roots are. This is where life actually lives, unlike the city where life simply exists.
A homosapien by birth.. A mechanical engineer by chance.. An IT professional by accident.. an instinctive wanderer and a writer by heart, who takes life a little too seriously...
Fearlessness is that state of mind, when a person has come to know that nothing can disturb him anymore. No matter what happens, he is going to be at peace with himself and the universe. Not even death can bring him to his knees.
