In Search of I™

this feeling...

2010-08-15T01:57:00.007+05:30

It's a strange feeling. It makes you realize that you are made up of different parts - parts that will never fit together. It makes you aware that you are imperfect. That you are insignificant in this complex hierarchy of spiritual evolution. You have doubts, fears - ghosts that never leave you alone and desires - that that always remain unsatisfied. Whoever you are, whatever you do - you know your insecurities. You are demanding, your ego is fragile - you can't bear contradictions to your beliefs and at the same time you want to break free from everything.

And as you evolve through this feeling - you gradually start understanding this puzzle. You accept your insignificance. You learn to live with your ghosts, but you never feed them your energy. You put all efforts to fulfill your desires but never let desires take control of your efforts. You learn to walk with your insecurities. You let your ego break.

You become comfortable with the reality that you are in fact, imperfect - and you just let this feeling guide you towards your destiny. Perhaps it's love - the evolution of a soul from what it is to what it should be - free.

possibilities...

2009-07-03T03:04:00.003+05:30

in the darkness of my mind
through the weakness of my desires
when all my restless soul could do
was just hold on until the dawn

my heart squeezed and
infused a purposeful life
into my aimless existence

I held eternity in my hands
that soft touch of
all possibilities and little certainty
all senses, every emotion
intense, weak, fearful and brave
all at the same time

promises filled with fear
love filled with anger and jealousy
but still caring

with that sweet squeeze in my heart
for just that moment
I lost and then found myself
I pledged my heart and then let myself fall

numb...

2009-06-10T23:17:00.001+05:30

this fear freezing around my heart
making pain melt in my eyes
this anger rubbing all over my throat

why don't I just let my hope die
and end this forever..

shantaram...

2009-05-12T13:31:00.003+05:30

Opening lines from Gregory David Robert's Shantaram:

"It took me a long time and most of the world to learn what I know about love and fate and the choices we make, but the heart of it came to me in an instant, while I was chained to a wall and being tortured. I realized, somehow, through the screaming in my mind, that even in that shackled, bloody helplessness, I was still free: free to hate the men who were torturing me, or to forgive them. It doesn't sound like much, I know. But in the flinch and bite of the chain, when its all you have got, that freedom is a universe of possibility. And the choice you make, between hating and forgiving,can become the story of your life."

back from there... shimla!

2009-04-16T17:11:00.001+05:30

on vacation.. goin' there!

2009-03-26T14:05:00.001+05:30

to the unknown man...

2009-03-06T15:36:00.000+05:30

To the unknown man at the Tower Hill underground station ATM - you were withdrawing money in front of me in the queue and left in a hurry. When I tried to put my debit card in the machine, it started beeping. You had forgotten to take your cash from the machine. I tried to find you but you were lost in the crowd and all the backs looked the same to me. Anyways, don’t worry. I know it would be impossible to find you now. So I have passed that money to a charity group in your name (which I don’t know). May the goodness of the deeds that that money gets used in; return to you in form of blessings!

vanity...

2009-01-30T21:11:00.004+05:30

What has happened to me?

What is this heaviness in my thoughts?

What is this guilt in my actions?

What is this wastefulness in the choices I make?

What is this hopelessness in my ambitions?

What is this sadness in every breath?

What for is this anger in my eyes?

Vanity?

2:62-63...

2008-12-02T03:25:00.004+05:30

Source

While contemplating the objects of the senses, a person develops attachment for them, and from such attachment desire develops, and from desire anger arises.

From anger, delusion arises, and from delusion bewilderment of memory. When memory is bewildered, intelligence is lost, and when intelligence is lost, one falls down again into the material pool.

आम आदमी...

2008-12-01T01:42:00.003+05:30

बेमकसद हौसले, लापरवाह कदम
बेवजह शिकवे, बेपनाह बेकार ग़म |

अधपके कुछ ख्याल, आधे अधूरे कुछ ख्वाब
कुछ कर गुज़रने की तलब, मगर वहम बेहिसाब |

भीड़ में खोया हुआ चेहरा, वही जाने पहचाने कुछ राज़
फ़िजूल सोच, सस्ती जिंदगी, ख़ुद ही से नज़रंदाज़ आवाज़ |

मैं - एक आम आदमी
मेरी आखें कभी देखना बंद नहीं करतीं
अंधेरे में भी मुझे मेरा अक्स दिखता है
रौशनी कभी मेरी रूह को छू भी नहीं पाती
और मैं ख़ुद की परछाइयों से डरता हूँ |

think different...

2008-11-23T02:21:00.001+05:30

the heart sutra...

2008-11-16T13:40:00.001+05:30

stray thoughts...

2008-11-11T03:44:00.006+05:30

It's been a while. I had nothing to say. I was listening. And observing. As if out of some divine order, I was supposed to just listen and observe. Mind didn't have enough space to think and speak out or write. For a change (for better), I can say I was busy listening.

Watching the world through my eyes, understanding through my experiences and expressing through my opinions, I had had enough of it. Well, everyone thinks - what he says, thinks or does is right. And he will do anything, fabricate any reason to justify the righteousness of his words, thoughts and actions. But then suddenly some day, something changes when you look at the world from inside someone else and you find that it's a completely different place. Strange place.

I had had my views and my opinions. I wanted to see someone else's views and understand someone else's opinions. But could do only the first part. Was too arrogant to accept or perhaps even understand the other half. Well, it's not enough to know what a person thinks. What makes that person think that way, where are those thoughts arising from, what is the source of those ideas - without knowing answers to these, understanding is not complete.

People disagree even though they are right. People agree even though they are wrong. We often misunderstand different points of view as disagreement, a scalene geometry of thoughts - incompatible. Thinking 'in' different directions and thinking 'from' different directions are two different things. Thinking in different directions broadens the horizons of thought, and thinking from different directions strengthens the base of an idea. Now whether this is a strength or weakness really depends on how the formula is applied.

It's instinctive trying to possess something dear. Letting go is tough, when time snatches it away from you. That's the test of large hearts - how much, how big, how dear they can let go without getting bothered. The cliche goes 'Rich is he who has nothing to lose' - theoretically. But we all have something dear which we never want to lose - a person, an idea, a place or a laptop or an iPod or even our lives. Divided into these things, people, places and ideas - we cannot let go and it's hard for us to recover from their loss, which is the inevitability time makes us confront one day or the other.

book meme...

2008-10-10T21:11:00.004+05:30

Moi take on Booking Through Thursday's book meme:

What was the last book you bought?

The Devil Drives by Fawn Brodie.

Name a book you have read MORE than once.

Hmmm! (thinking) Zen in the Martial Arts by Joe Hyams.

Has a book ever fundamentally changed the way you see life? If yes, what was it?

Fountainhead by Ayn Rand.

How do you choose a book? e.g. by cover design and summary, recommendations or reviews.

Recommendations mostly!

Do you prefer Fiction or Non-Fiction?

Used to love fiction once. But now more into non-fiction.

What’s more important in a novel - beautiful writing or a gripping plot?

Gripping plot.

Most loved/memorable character (character/book).

Howard Roark. (not loved but memorable!)

Which book or books can be found on your nightstand at the moment?

The Devil Drives by Fawn Brodie.
The Death of Inflation by Roger Bootle.
The World is Curved by David Smick.

What was the last book you’ve read, and when was it?

The Age of Kali by William Dalrymple, a few weeks ago.

Have you ever given up on a book half way in?

I think! Errrr! I have given up almost every book halfway. :(

मंजिल...

2008-10-07T02:33:00.007+05:30

वो मंजिल
जिसके लिए तुम जी रहे हो
हर रोज़, हर घड़ी
हर कदम, हर साँस
उसकी तरफ़ बढ़ रहे हो |

जिसके लिए तुमने अपना सब कुछ
दांव पर लगा छोड़ा है
जिसकी आरज़ू में जितना भी
तुम तड़प रहे हो थोड़ा है |

वो मंजिल
जो तुम्हें तुम्हारी सरहदों से
बहुत दूर खींच लाई है
जिसने तुम्हें दौड़ाया ज़्यादा
मगर प्यास कम बुझाई है |

नींद से जागो, आखें खोलो
और ज़रा देखो के वो मंजिल ख़ुद
कई रास्तों में उलझी हुई
किसी और मंजिल को ढूँढ रही है |

ज़रा ठहरो, ज़रा साँस लो, ज़रा समझो
जो भी रास्ता तुम चुनोगे
जिस भी ओर तुम बढोगे
वो मंजिल तुम्हारे साथ आएगी |

face it...

2008-10-03T02:15:00.003+05:30

you think you can escape
just run away
from all this pain
and it will go away?
you think there is a place
home, or somewhere
where you can feel safe?
you think there is someone
who can always keep you safe?

wake up,
if you cultivate your weaknesses
fear is what you will reap
there is no way out of it
but yes, sometimes
there is a way through it

and, if you want to be fearless
first give up your weakness!

शब्द...

2008-10-01T13:55:00.003+05:30

शब्दों को मत पढो
शब्दों के पीछे
छुपे हुए इंसान को देखो
वो किस तरह
टूटता जुड़ता गिरता संभलता
एक शब्द बना है, उसे समझो

शब्दों की कड़वाहट
शब्दों की मिठास
शब्दों की घबराहट
शब्दों की प्यास
कच्चे पक्के शब्द
अच्छे बुरे शब्द
कहे अनकहे शब्द
भूले हुए और
भुला न सकने वाले शब्द

सभी,
जीवन का एक गुज़रा हुआ क्षण थे
जो आया और चला गया
मगर अपने पीछे इन शब्दों को छोड़ गया
जिन्हें तुम आज देख रहे हो |

भ्रम की खोज...

2008-09-27T14:16:00.004+05:30

शून्य के अथाह आकाश को
अस्तित्व के धरातल से जोड़ता
समय का धुन्दला क्षितिज
एक भ्रम
और इस भ्रम के ऊपर खिंची
हर पल बदलती कुछ रेखाएं
जिन्हें मनुष्य ने जीवन का अर्थ समझा और
सब कुछ भुला कर वह निकल पड़ा
क्षितिज का पीछा करते हुए
धुएँ से लिखे एक अर्थ की खोज में |

the age of kali...

2008-09-25T01:20:00.004+05:30

It was perhaps a year ago, one of my kind friend gifted me The Last Mughal. It was a heavy book (weightwise) and I had no intentions of reading it, because I am an ordinary mortal who would rather read about the technology he works on than about history of Mughals. As it turned out, the book is lying untouched till now in the house in village where only two out of ten thousand people would even know who Bahadur Shah Zafar was.

Fast forward one year, and I suddenly have one hour every working day to spare while traveling to and fro from work. And somehow I get this book by a British author William Dalrymple who writes about India (till now I had even forgotten that The Last Mughal was also his book). Being an Indian in Britain, I thought it would be a good idea to read a British writer's take on India. The book is named The Age of Kali and initially I get an impression that it will be about goddess Kali. But when I started reading the book, while I was traveling to work, the first day I forgot to get down at my stop and had to travel back half an hour.

From Bihar, to Varanasi, to Rajasthan, to metropolitan Mumbai & Bangalore, to Gwalior, to Lucknow, to LTTE dominated Jaffna, to Peshawar, to Karachi, to a Pirate's grave in Reunion island - this fellow Willy had a real galla time and has written the same remarkably in his book. Lalu Prasad Yadav, Vijayaraje Sindia, Benazir Bhutto, unknown villagers of notorious villages, gun carrying students of colleges, drug mafia, ammunition traders - he has interviewed them all.

Till now I was content after reading Freedom at Midnight which Dalrymple calls as history for dummies in The Age of Kali. Now this guy has made me want to go back to the village and get The Last Mughal out as soon as possible. I never knew, history can be so intriguing as gossips, and so knowledgeable at the same time. Meanwhile, till I am here I have taken up Dalrymple's favorite book to read - The Devil Drives by Fawn Brodie, because it's first lines just struck me hard:
Starting in a hollowed log of wood—some thousand miles up a river, with an infinitesimal prospect of returning! I ask myself "Why?" and the only echo is "damned fool! . . . the Devil drives!"

arrogance of an egotist...

2008-09-14T20:39:00.005+05:30

Disclaimer: Ideas presented are personal and prone to changes.

In an ordinary day, when emotions are dull, instincts are blunt and senses are over or underused, we are headed straight towards self destruction. We are afraid of being alone, we think that we are the unimportant footnotes of life, but still we isolate ourselves from the outer world thinking we are different from others. All the desires, all the ambitions to raise ourselves from this life of continuous suffering are hollow. Something more fundamental, very basic is missing in our existence. Dreams of attaining absolute freedom, economic independence are nothing but illusions of a mistaken identity. Not a single moment is passing without this perpetual emotional tumult, this agony of making simple life choices.

What is our life anyway. We are one among hundreds of thousands of ordinary people like us who are a mere vulgar accident of evolution. World doesn't need us and in all probability doesn't want us. We need the world for ourselves to survive. We are the disposable samples of humanity which world uses everyday for its experiments with life. Still we try to console ourselves with the illusions of purpose, of goals which are no more than a few steps in no direction in a dark road. We build our life based on tangible, transient things. Our job, our family, our friends, our bank balance, our material possessions, our beliefs, our ideas out of which only a few come from direct experience, rest are the result of vicarious feelings, second hand experiences. They define our existence.

Then one day the moment of clarity happens, the epiphany, and suddenly we realize that these things can be snatched away from us in less than a moment. And immediately, we stick harder to them, because if we lose them, we lose our life. But that doesn't help and sooner or later, the thing or the idea or the person through which or whom we were trying to find ourselves is lost. A relapse, a shock, alive but no sign of life.

And then we realize that we are not all these things. We realize that our existence doesn't depend on these things. We are only that part of our existence which cannot be taken away from us. Ever. Suddenly heart sinks in, complete chaos, like whole existence being sucked into vacuum, reality which was built in years shatters down in just a second. A search begins for that indestructible part of our life on which everything, 'everything' stands. Everything else loses its meaning.

We realize, we don't need our job, our bank balance, our family, our friends, our partners - we need a guiding light which can take us out of our suffering, the daily unstoppable suffocation inside. Despite every choice that we make in life, ultimately everyone, regardless of his/her status race creed or cult, has to face this truth alone that life is nothing but a preparation for eternity. [Rick Warren]

purpose of life...

2008-09-08T01:32:00.005+05:30

I was going through the TED talks when I stumbled upon a talk by Rick Warren. Curiosity rose and I started reading his book 'The Purpose Driven Life'. Being an atheist it was a real test for my patience to start reading this book because at every line there is at least one G word there. But there was this interesting insight in it which kept me going:

Contrary to what many popular books, movies, and seminars tell you, you won't discover your life's meaning by looking within yourself. You've probably tried that already. You didn't create yourself, so there is no way you can tell yourself what you were created for! If I handed you an invention you had never seen before, you wouldn't know its purpose, and the invention itself wouldn't be able to tell you either. Only the creator or the owner's manual could reveal its purpose.

The Purpose Driven...

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मामूली...

2008-09-07T23:15:00.010+05:30

कुछ सपने, कुछ हकीकत
कुछ डर, कुछ ख्वाहिशें
थोड़ा दर्द, थोड़ी खुशी
कभी रास्ते तो कभी मंजिलें

सीने में दबी सिसकियाँ
होठों पर थकी हुई मुस्कराहट
कुछ ढूँढती हुई सी आँखें
साँसों से लटकी हुई घबराहट
चेहरे में दफन एक तलाश
लिखावट के ऊपर लिखावट

जिंदगी की भारी किताब के इस
मामूली से पन्ने को
न जाने किस बात का गुरूर था
जिंदगी ने तो इसे कभी पलट कर देखा भी नहीं

कभी कुछ लिखा तो कभी कुछ मिटा दिया
कुछ बातें याद रहीं और बाकी को यूं ही भुला दिया
फ़िर एक दिन ऐसे फाड़ कर फ़ेंक दिया
जैसे ये कभी ज़िन्दगी का हिस्सा भी ना रहा हो |

fight back... (battle at Kruger)...

2008-09-05T23:46:00.001+05:30

if everyone cared...

2008-08-23T20:42:00.002+05:30

fear...

2008-08-21T19:27:00.001+05:30

What is this constant despair? Man is either running after his desires which he cannot fulfill, or he is running away from the fears which he cannot fight. There can be a simple way of living. Never fight against the forces stronger than yourself - within and outside you - like your instincts, your hunger, the storm or the gravity. Because no matter how hard or how long you fight these forces, you will be the loser in the end. But to know what is stronger and what is not, requires a lot of practice, awareness & thought - which gets sidelined or de-prioritized because of the ongoing race.

यतीम...

2008-08-18T00:28:00.007+05:30

मासूमियत बचपन भी पूरा न देख पाई थी

जब उम्मीद जिम्मेदारियों के बोझ से टूट गयी
रिश्ते वक्त के खिंचाव को बर्दाश्त न कर सके
और प्यार, बीते हुए कल के
किसी बदनसीब पल में ज़ख्मी पड़ा है
इस सबके बाद जो जुस्तजू बची थी
उसे समाज की रस्में निगल गयी
और अब बचे हैं मैं और मेरी आवारगी
हर लम्हे ही जद्दोजहद में अपने
वुजूद की तलाश करते

वो चेहरा...

2008-08-17T21:54:00.005+05:30

दिल इतना भर चुका था के

किसी भी पल छलकने को
तैयार थी उसकी आँखें
कब से उसने ख़ुद के किनारे
कुरेद कुरेद कर
समंदर को अन्दर बांधे रखा था |

कब तक संभालती वो
आख़िर दिल टूटा उसका और
वो आँखें बरस पड़ीं
बहुत लम्बी थी वो बरसात
बूँद बूँद करके
उसका समंदर सूख गया
उसके चेहरे पर बची सिर्फ़
नमक की कुछ खुश्क लकीरें
जिनको छुपाने के लिए उसने
एक नया चेहरा पहन लिया |

उम्मीद का अकेलापन...

2008-08-12T18:47:00.008+05:30

रात की सर्द खामोशी में

दिल की खुरदरी ज़मीन पर
विचारों के अनगिनत बीज
बेवजह बिखरे पड़े थे |

सुबह होने तक
उनमें से कुछ में
उम्मीद के अंकुर फूटे
और वो मिट्टी छोड़ कर
आसमान छूने को तैयार हो गए |

दिन शुरू हुआ तो
वो सभी खुदगर्ज़ पौधे
जो ऊँचाई की अंधी चाह में
अपने वजूद को मिट्टी से
अलग समझ बैठे थे
दोपहर होने तक
जद्दोजहद की गर्मी में झुलस कर
वापिस मिट्टी में जा मिले |

कुछ पौधे गुज़रते काफिलों
के कदमों तले कुचले गए
कुछ ने दूसरों के बहकावे में आकर
अपनी जड़ों को मिट्टी से अलग कर लिया
कुछ अपनी ही कमजोरी का शिकार हुए
और कुछ ने हकीकत से घबरा कर
खुदकशी कर ली |

शाम ढलने तक
सिर्फ़ एक पौधा बचा
जो दिनभर चुपचाप एक कोने में खड़ा
मिट्टी में अपने पाँव जमाए
सूरज को छूने की कोशिश करता रहा था
शाम तक उसका कद
पहले से कुछ बढ़ गया था
लेकिन सुबह से रात होते होते
वो अब अकेला रह गया था |

voices...

2008-08-03T22:03:00.007+05:30

I am not me anymore
I am the world I see and reflect..

I am far away from myself
I am the conflict of my own reasons
lost, within my own boundaries
illusioned, by my own beliefs..

I try to hide what I want to show
dissatisfaction of my confused desires
the intensity of my unheard emotions
I am the fugitive of my dying spirit..

I eat my own vanity
to feed my wounded esteem
and still hunger for peace within..

I yearn to return
to my home, the real I
where I once belonged..

song of the road...

2008-08-03T01:18:00.003+05:30

Now, this is the movie which makes you sad and surprised at the same time. Sad because of it's extraordinary screenplay which is meant to make you sad, and surprised because how could you have missed it till now. Simple, intense and meaningful. No exaggerations, simple story telling. Marvelous.

I had this desire to watch 'Pather Panchali' for a long long time. And watch I did today. I can't believe that such a movie could have been made in 1955. Only Satyajit Ray can do this! Hats off once again! A MUST watch for movie lovers.

fight club...

2008-08-01T18:32:00.003+05:30

I kept procrastinating to watch the movie because its name sounded so stupid. It was psychological, one because of the impression it gave was like it was some jerk-off action movie and two because there was another movie with the same name in bollywood which was the insult to the brains of movie goers. But then one day I was going through the top 250 list of imdb and found this movie at position 23. I was surprised.

Then I watched this movie. And since then, I have watched it around four times with four different people and at the end all four were ready to watch it once again.

This movie is my prayer. Edward Norton is my god, so is David Fincher. Haven’t seen such a dark movie ever!

moi mosaic...

2008-07-30T16:09:00.003+05:30

Priya seems to have this tendency to stumble upon some interesting tag things. Found it interesting, taking up the mosaic tag. Consulted Priya's page for rules, only putting results here.

Picture Curtsy: Flickr.

The questions and the answers:

1. What is your first name?

Rahul.

2. What is your favorite food? Right now?

Caesar Salad.

3. What high school did you go to?

Dhami.

4. What is your favorite color?

Black. So obsessed that I want to paint the walls of my room back home black.

5. Who is your celebrity crush?

Carla Bruni. Sigh!

6. Favorite drink?

Vodka with Ice.

7. Dream vacation?

A&N Islands.

8. Favorite dessert?

Rasmalai.

9. What do you want to be when you grow up?

When I grow up? I am already!

But I want to be a traveler-cum-writer-cum-learner.

10. What do you love most in life?

I don't know.

11. One word to describe you.

Curious.

12. Your Flickr name.

In Search of I.

obsessions...

2008-07-28T21:24:00.017+05:30

She had this charm, this joyful air around her he could not resist. How fickle! Soon, she took him away from me.

“Amit! Shall we go for coffee?”

“Oh sorry, you carry on! I am helping Suruchi with her review reports.”

“Amit! Can you drop me home?”

“Can you take an auto today? I will have to stay late. Suruchi has to finish her deliverable by tomorrow and lot of work is pending.”

“Amit! Where are you?”

“Suruchi and I are in a movie! I’ll call you back later.”

“Hi Amit!”

“Hey! Can you put Suruchi on line? I need to talk to her. I think her phone is switched off.”

This went on. For weeks. Or may be months. I don’t know. But, something was happening inside me.

This morning Suruchi asked me: “Do you think Amit likes me? Do you think he will propose to me?” I had said I don’t know. Later Amit had asked: “Do you think Suruchi likes me? Do you think I should propose to her?” I had said I don’t know.

I had been accumulating emotional ammunition. I had turned into an explosive filled with shrapnels of anger and obsession.

Later in the evening when I entered house, I saw her door was left ajar. I found them both in her room; they were lying naked in bed, sleeping, which seemed like after long hours of love making.

My mind went numb.

Suruchi was such a warmhearted person… irresistible… This spring she had arrived at the city, joined the company and was looking for a place to stay. We both were in the same project. I offered her to stay in the vacant room of my apartment. I remember when I asked her to stay with me she had exclaimed with joy... or perhaps surprise... “That would be superb, wow! Thanks… Thanks a lot…” with those big beautiful black eyes widening and her cute little mouth agape. Those eyes, her hair, and her tall slim physique - I had felt jealous the first time I introduced her to Amit.

There was a sense of foreboding from the beginning.

Amit was the technical lead of our project - charming, handsome guy – so outwardly sophisticated that any girl ordinary could fall in love with him at the first sight and so inwardly ordinary that anyone sophisticated could understand his true nature at first glance. I knew him more than anyone else. I knew him more than he knew himself. Staying late nights at office, dropping me home, those hours of talking on phone, hanging out on weekends – we were more than just friends but less than lovers. At least that’s what I thought, until she came. And robbed me.

How can she? How can he? How dare them?

They looked content and peaceful – Amit with his charming face and strong shoulders and she, with her hair scattered on Amit's thighs and black beautiful eyes staring right at me. Only those eyes were now devoid of life. I had killed them both. I took my kitchen knife, made its blade red hot on the gas burner and sliced their throat while they were asleep.

I had exploded, and they became victims. It wasn't easy for me. For them too...

choices...

2008-07-28T16:29:00.003+05:30

Dindu was aware of his emotional insecurity. Frequently he would fall into his negative self and lose all his energy to fight back. Handling emotions had never been easy for him especially when he grew up and emotions started becoming stronger and choices more complicated. Relationships and family meant nothing more than an emotional liability. He could never draw strength from his family and was mostly left alone in making important choices of his life, the choices he thought he would never have to make. Somehow he was surviving, but he barely felt alive.

Jay had come in his life a year ago. She was a pain in the beginning, with all uncomfortable questions and those curious, honest eyes. But slowly a bond started building between the two. Dindu could speak openly to her, which evaporated his hardened feelings and his heart felt lighter. Jay was always happy to be a listener. After a few months, Dindu had reached the threshold where friendship starts transforming into a relationship. He was feeling emotionally more stable and alive for the first time in many years. He had decided to let her know how he felt about her.

He still remembered the morning he had thought he would let her know. A strange aura had descended on her face that day. She looked beautiful, much prettier than she usually was. The same morning Jay had introduced him to her fiancée. Dindu remembered that he had managed to smile and congratulate them both and wished them luck. They got married a few months later. Dindu had excused himself from attending the wedding because he had been transferred to a different city. The day before he left the city, he wrote in his diary:

May be the real question is ‘When it will be’ and not ‘Who it will be’. It will be hard. It was a tough choice…

changing times...

2008-07-18T15:09:00.008+05:30

“You always have to have everything your cousin has. Don’t you understand that your uncle is a police commissioner and your aunt is a manager in the bank? Your mother is just a housewife and I am a junior engineer in the electricity board. We don’t earn as much as they do. We must save money for the future. We are not same! Don’t ask me ever again to get you something which you saw your cousin has! Learn to control your feelings!”

It was almost 10 years ago. Dindu had asked his father to buy him a computer to help his studies at the college. He always got similar answers - when he had asked for a cricket bat, video game or a fountain pen or when he had asked his father to take them to a new place for summer holidays instead of going to their uncle's house as they did every year. After that day he had stopped asking.

Dindu was lying on his back in a lonely corner of the beach - his eyes focused on the infinity of the sky, a cloud intercepting the infinity every now and then. Earlier that evening Dindu had a conversation with his father. His father called him from the village saying: “Look at your cousin. Learn something from him. He has got a better paying job, he married to a beautiful wife and now soon they will have children. I had saved some ten lakh rupees to spend on your marriage, but you never listen to what I say. You don’t care about your parent's feelings.”

Dindu didn’t know whether he felt surprised or betrayed. It was almost dark. He realized, it no longer mattered whether he kept his eyes open or shut. He picked himself up and started walking towards his home.

epiphany...

2008-07-17T14:59:00.001+05:30

You can never be perfect, but you can always be a perfectionist...

believe in me...

2008-07-16T02:55:00.005+05:30

Some people can never believe in themselves, until someone believes in them... -Good Will Hunting.

kite...

2008-07-15T19:06:00.003+05:30

Life is not only about those moments when everything was beautiful, everybody was smiling and you had camera in your hands.

on adoption...

2008-07-13T21:00:00.010+05:30

Apparently Priya was floored by a movie dipicting the cause of adoption, that is, a family legally taking the responsibility of a child who does not belong to them biologically. Keywords here are 'family', 'responsibility', 'child' and perhaps 'belong' too. Priya has written earnestly about the subject in her blog, to which I am adding a few points from my judgment. (Note: I, also, recently happened to watch the movie 'Gone Baby Gone' which is a very intense depiction about the similar subject, but may be from a completely different angle).

First question that comes to my mind is - 'Why does a child need to get adopted at the first place?' Natural disasters (Tsunamis, earthquakes), I think, are the primary cause of leaving behind in their wake deprived, orphaned children. Other causes can be parents meeting an unnatural demise, or parents abondoning their child because they don't have resources to bring up the child.

Then the next question is 'Whose need is it getting fulfilled by adoption - the child's or the parent's?' I think, answer here would be both sides, child's being a little overweighing because of its susceptibility and vulnerability.

Then 'Why is it always parent's responsibility to take care of every need of the children?' I think, children must be the responsibility of the community first, then family's. Why are we so sure that without a family a child can never have a good life? Why is community so prejudiced when it comes to giving and so open when it comes to taking? Community must provide every child the basic resources and values, parents should be there to monitor the day to day growth of the child. 'Community' here can be a very confusing term open to all kinds of interpretations. But, for a moment, just honestly think about it with an open mind - think of five families together taking care of a child and the amount of affection and knowledge that child gets entitled to.

Then 'Why do couples seek children?' If it is because of social pressure, or following the crowd routine, or i-don't-know, then those couples don't deserve to be parents. Such people look for an emotional crutch because of which they get married to each other, and later have children. Such relationships always end up in a disastrous failure.

Genes are really very important here. Genes are the building blocks of an individual. And if there is any fault in them you cannot really do anything about that. Anyhow, that is beyond the control of man, so we can only respectfully accept the fact. But labeling the genetic fact as 'good blood' or 'bad blood' is the result of many bright years of bollywood and cable TV - it's not a gospel coming from heavens. The great Mrityunjaya (Karna) of Mahabharata is still struggling to find a place for his talents, but always gets judged by his cast.

Whether a child must know that he or she was adopted? Well, ofcourse! The problem with parents most of the times (especially with Indian parents) is that majority of them don't talk to their children with honesty. They always believe that things must be understood without stating them. That's impossible. This gap between parent and child has to be removed. They don't reason with their children, they think that authority will do its work all the time. But then children grow up and authority goes away. We really need reasonable people who can be reasonable parents.

Then issues like 'incapable parents, after adopting a child magically get their own biological child' or 'the biological parents of the child are still alive, and the child wants to meet them' are more related to the individual's intelligence about dealing with complicated relationship problems rather than adoption. We can see real life examples around our neighborhoods, of two biological brothers being treated differently, because of the immaturity of the couple. Children don't want to see their own father and mother. Such issues have never ceased to exist and will continue unless people wake up and see for themselves what is good and bad for them, and not what others think about what is good and what is bad for them.

First lines from Gone Baby Gone:

I always believed it was the things you don't choose that makes you who you are. Your city, your neighbourhood, your family. People here take pride in these things, like it was something they'd accomplished. The bodies around their souls, the cities wrapped around those. I lived on this block my whole life; most of these people have. When your job is to find people who are missing, it helps to know where they started. I find the people who started in the cracks and then fell through. This city can be hard. When I was young, I asked my priest how you could get to heaven and still protect yourself from all the evil in the world. He told me what God said to His children: "You are sheep among wolves. Be wise as serpents, yet innocent as doves"

el laberinto del fauno...

2008-07-12T02:26:00.005+05:30

Wo! You sit down with an expectation, you stay surprised what's happening and at the end you realize you have been struck by a thunderbolt. I thought I was going to watch an oscar winning

fairy tale, I was surprised to see a civil war coming along and at the end I was dumbstruck to see what happened. Whatever age group you are, the movie grabs you, tightly cusping your attention in its beautiful narration, and it strikes that old forgotten innocent memory of yours which you feel has been erased by the fast paced world. Only problem is if you are a non-spanish, you will have to let go the intensity of the tongue in which dialogues are spoken. For the interest of those who want to watch this materpiece and have fast internet broadband connection here is the link with english subtitles.

Ravi – Lost and Found...

2008-07-07T13:48:00.004+05:30

From 2005, on demand by Dindu:

(Undecipherable noise… Many men talking at the same time…) ‘Excuse me friends! It is not making any sense. I must insist that we all stop talking together and speak one by one. That way we can express our individual views with more clarity and in the end whatever time remains we can comment on others’ views. (Noise continues…) (Shouting Angrily…) HERE YOU IDIOTS! (Sudden Silence…) You hear what I am saying or I will KICK the SHIT out of you all one by one!!! (Silence in the room…) Yeah, that’s better. Now listen! We have been given a topic to discuss here and we are supposed to express our views within this limited time frame. If all of us start talking at the same time nobody will be there listening. What we are supposed to do is, bring out an agreement on the subject given to us. Let me start by expressing my views and then clockwise we can continue expressing our views. Is that fine will your all? (Silence…) Mr. Assamese! Is that fine? (Assamese nods with a shiver…cooler voice…) Fine! I take that as acceptance. Let me begin then. (Pause…Lets out breath…) Gentlemen! My view is military training should be made mandatory for all the young people of India, who are physically capable of going through its rigors. This will bring discipline in their lives; they will be strong to face the real life and will take up their social responsibilities well. A sense of national responsibility can arise in today’s youth, only when one goes through the troubles of such trainings and serves his country for at least a small period of five years. And as our friend from Assam has earlier pointed out, it will make the world better. I have discussed it with Mr. President and he has given his warm acceptance to this idea. Facts, gentlemen, Facts!!! These are the facts I am telling you and there is no better solution than this to make our nation better…’ (Claps…Darkness…)

(Light… Interview panel… an interview going on…)
‘Mr. Ravi! Welcome to Rurakee campus. Tell us something about yourself…’

‘Thank you first of all. Well I am a complicated person. Till now even I am not able to understand myself. I am a person who lives on some basic terms and principles. The punch line which guides my life is “I don’t know where I am going, but I know where I have been. I don’t know what my vision is, but I know what I have seen…” Though I belong to a very modest background yet my ambitions are high and my instincts strong. I want to bring a positive change in the outlook of this world by taking up a work which can bring smiles to many faces.’

‘And what that work would be, Mr. Ravi?’

‘Well, I want to be my own master. I will start a food chain, with branches all over India or perhaps even world. I tell you gentlemen, there is nothing more satisfying than satisfying hungry people with good food.’

‘But I suppose you are currently working in an IT industry. How then you think you will go about it?’

‘Frankly speaking, joining IT was a big mistake. But as I have already said, I know where I have been. I learn from my mistakes and I learnt from this mistake. IT was not my cup of tea. I don’t say it is a problem in IT. There are people who enjoy that work too. But I didn’t fit there.’

‘What made you feel you were different from those people?’

‘Well, there is a lot of complacence there. Dreams are rarely seen. I found out that there isn’t greatness in being a buffalo-with-a-dream in a large buffalo herd. The owner will tell eat, you eat; he will tell drink, you drink; he will beat with stick and twice a day he will take away milk. And all you can do is just keep shitting around yourself. I can’t live like that. I want to be free… At my own… That’s my dream… To live free… To bring that desire to be free in everyone around me… Yes, I have been strayed. And I will start afresh. For that I am looking for an opportunity and I am sure you will consider my passion.’

(Healthy silence in the room…After a pause…) ‘Very Impressive! Congratulations Mr. Ravi! We offer you a seat at our institute if you are ready to take it up…’

In a fit of excitement Ravi jumped from the seat and fell on the table…

‘O Mr. Ravi! Please get up… get up… get up… get up…
(Darkness…)

(Light… Engine noise… People shouting “GET UP!!! GET UP!!!…)

When Ravi opened his slumberous eyes he was lying on the alleyway between the seats of the bus and passengers were shouting “GET UP! GET UP!” Bus was zooming at the speed of 70 mph and driver hadn’t bothered the speed breaker on the road. As the fast moving vehicle slid past the speed breaker, it flew into the air for a while and came down thumping, teaching a lesson on Newton’s first law of inertia to all the passengers inside. Ravi had fallen down from his seat unaware of the Newtonian force responsible for the fall. He was dreaming, and it took him a while to come out of his reverie and smell the humus. Had Sigmund Freud been given the task of interpreting Ravi’s dream, he would have jumped with joy, because this dream was totally in accordance with his wish fulfillment theory. Two different dreams joined together to indicate an unfulfilled wish. And the last moments of the reverie he would have attributed to the external stimuli responsible for the images produced in dream. But ironically, not for Freud, in reality everything which happened in dream had gone exactly the other way round.

Ravi was returning to Delhi after going through his GD/PI (Group Discussion and Personal Interview) at Rurakee College of Business Studies. After boarding the bus, he had taken a nap while the bus strolled slowly through the crowded city roads. But as soon as it had entered the open country highway, the driver unleashed the entire throttle which ultimately brought Ravi back from the world of dreams. It took him a little while to realize how fast the undulating sugarcane fields were running past him. Just half a day past his life was in the hands of interview panel, and now it depended on the right foot of the driver, who was showing no mercy on decaying frame of the bus. The bus crossed another three speed breakers at the same furious speed, and each time Ravi jumped so high from his seat that his hair remained just an inch below the roof of the bus. He called the conductor and said: “Bhaiyya! Driver KO thoDa acchhe se chalane KO boliye Na!” The conductor looked at him with surprise. Expression on his face was like that of a commuter of Mumbai locals to whom some new Mumbaite had asked not to push his way into the local. “Yahan bus aise hi chalti hai bhai sahab!” was all, that conductor could manage say to hide his surprise.

Under his shallow breath Ravi prayed to God for safe journey till Delhi. He kept his bag at one side and tried to return to his reverie which refused now to come back to his memory. That dream now became a sweet nostalgia, and for a moment Ravi wished if he could have really lived that dream. After all, he had nothing to lose. His waking consciousness was back and he started thinking about his future, his present and the deep dark valley in between. He wanted to do an MBA. These two years of IT life had sucked like hell. As a fresh graduate from a good engineering college he had dreamt many a dreams when he joined a prestigious IT firm. But as he got into the rabbit hole of IT reality, he found out that he is getting lost in some desert. In the beginning of career he worked during nights. Worked like a typist. He got so pissed off with his job that he could have done anything to get out of this. But the company had taken away that chance by making all fresher employees sign an agreement to work for at least two years. In case of breaking this agreement employee had to pay two lakh rupees. Well that was a big sum and two years were at stake. Amidst this dilemma of choices, ultimately he found himself trapped in a sort of cage where, neither he could like what he got nor he could get what he liked.

There were dreams of course. There were dreams of better life, challenging work and urge to do something important, something different. But during the last days of college, when the entire herd was running after big paychecks and big names, he was also taken over by the placement pandemonium. When someone starts running after something, at the same time he starts running away from something. Ravi realized he had been running away from himself all these months. And now time had come to stop running towards something which never existed for him. Time had come to revisit his foundations and realize his forsaken dreams. Time had come to ask himself the inevitable questions – “What do I want? How will I achieve it?” for which only he could find the answers. It was not late and he had lost only two years. He could start fresh, there was hope. He had come far from where he wanted to be, but he wasn’t lost.

Amidst the flying stunts of Uttaranchal Road Transport bus, he was thinking all this when suddenly driver slowed down the bus for a pleasant change. Ultimately he stopped the bus in front of a small dhaba. Driver and conductor got down. Ravi also thought of relieving himself from the pressing thoughts by paying off the nature’s call. The place was smaller than a small village. There were just a few shops standing parallel to the main road where vehicles were zooming past intermittently. Beside the shops there were sugarcane fields. The air was filled with the smell of sugar factories. If one inhaled too much of that air, he could even have caught diabetes. Ravi kept his bag on the seat, took his knapsack along with him in which he carried his certificates and got down from the bus. After traveling at almost quarter a mach (one fourth of the speed of sound) getting on the inertial frame of reference was a relief in itself. He felt that he had grown heavy. He stretched his body and headed toward the sugarcane field to micturate.

‘Why can’t I just run into these fields and get lost? Damn! This world is a big septic tank and I am a small piece of shit in it! Why can’t I live it my way? Why can’t I run away to a place where I breathe fresh air, eat healthy food and work something sufficient to satisfy my needs? I can live on chewing this sugarcane rather than eating over-oily tasteless curries in the city. Ah! Money! I need money! I need a lot of money to have financial freedom! Then I can think of such adventures. How will I get the money? Oh! I need to do an MBA for that! I need to do an MBA. But will that bring me money? Oh man! It sucks…’ He peed and wished these thoughts could also go out from his body along with the urine. Mind felt a little relieved now and he returned to the stop to get back on the bus.

The thin stream of thoughts still kept dripping on his mind as he returned. ‘Man! Everything sucks up here… Now this crazy driver… He is driving the shit out of… HOLY SHIT!!! WHAT THE HECK!!! WHERE IS THE BUS???’ The bus was gone, as gone as the proverbial horns on a donkey’s head, and for a moment he stood petrified, feeling his feet getting cold like Himalayan ice. He wished this too was some dream and soon it will get over with someone shaking him on a soft warm bed. But nobody came to wake him up from his dream and it turned out to be a living nightmare. The event of the whole day went flashing out of his eyes. How he was getting nervous before his GD, screwing up of GD, how he wished to punch that Assamese guy, the interview panel, their crazy questions, his crazy answers, finally that wicked smile on their face when they asked him to leave. And now he was standing like a frozen statue in a small village with his bag in the bus which had left him forlorn in this barren land. He rushed to one of the shopkeepers and asked where the bus was. Shopkeeper said as indifferently as it was desperate for Ravi: ‘Bus to chali gayee Saab.’

Ravi had to decide and decide fast what to do. So he rushed toward the middle of the road and like a mad man started making gestures, asking for a lift from almost every passing vehicle, sparing only the bicycle riders. Vehicles zipped past him, some with an indifferent horn, some shouting back the abuses ‘MADAR CH*#!!! MAREGA KYA!!!’ Time was running wild, and the bus would have gone at least 10 miles by now. He didn’t know the bus number but he knew that his new dress, new shoes which he had bought specially for the occasion were in the bag, which was also about 10 miles away from him. While keeping the major part of his waking conscience busy making gestures for lift from the vehicles, he roughly calculated his loss that came to around six thousand rupees.

Eventually a middle aged person stopped by him who was on a Bajaj Chetak. Thinking that it is better to have a kerchief of a running thief Ravi decided to chase the bus on the Humara Bajaj legendary stead. In a single breath Ravi explained his plight to this person, and pleaded him for the lift. The generous man agreed and Ravi started following the 70 mph bus on a 30 mph Bajaj Chetak. Ravi calculated that if he followed the bus like this for an hour then bus will move further 40 miles away from him. Neither dare he ask the person to driver fast nor could he keep himself from thinking about the Lee Cooper shoes which were continuously rolling away from him at 40 mph. ‘What if he asks me to get down right away? It’s already evening and after a couple of hours night will arrive. No! Let me win the race the turtle way’ he thought. Meanwhile he kept explaining to this person about what had happened. Those forty five minutes on scooter seemed like a whole era passing through his eyes. ‘Bus will be around 30 miles away from me now or even more’ he thought ‘but it might even be 75 miles away given we are moving away from each other!!!’ Preparation for MBA had made his math sharp and given him a habit of thinking about all possibilities. ‘SHIT!!! I NEVER ASKED THIS MAN THAT I WANT TO GO TO DELHI!!! WHAT THE HELL!!! AM I GOING BACK TO RURAKEE???’ But he didn’t ask the person because making mad gestures, asking for lift nowhere in the middle of the highway was the last thing he wanted to do.

After a few minutes, when they reached a busy traffic signal where many vehicles were stopping, the man spoke pointing towards a bus ‘Bhai Sahab! I will not be going to Delhi, but this bus will take you there…’ Ravi jumped out of the scooter and rushed into the bus without even thanking his savior. Later he realized he owed gratitude for the scooter rider and to some extent for Bajaj Auto Ltd as well. He explained the whole story to the conductor of the bus and the conductor told that he could get his bag back given he knew which depot the bus belonged to or the bus number. Ravi knew neither of them and there remained only a bleak hope in his eyes for reuniting with his bag. By repeating his story to all the passengers aboard, he had aroused sympathy for himself among the passengers along with praise for the intelligence of keeping his certificates with him. One auntyji sitting next to his seat kept drawling time and again ‘BETA! Bhagwan kare aapko aapka bag mil jaye!’

Meanwhile Ravi was thinking what was more disturbing – losing or being lost? Was he worried because he had lost his bag and other valuables with it or was he worried because he was lost? If he had nothing with him at the moment he found his bus missing, would he have tried to stop every vehicle like a mad man? If he was all alone, wouldn’t he have ventured into the sugarcane field seeking an adventure? A person who has nothing to lose cannot be lost. A person who knows where he is heading cannot be lost. Well, it is possible that he can get out of his original track for a while but that doesn’t mean he is lost. Maximum a man can lose is his will to try again, to try one more time.

Amidst these thoughts he alighted in Noida and boarded another bus from there to ISBT. To give a final try, he looked for the bus which had forsaken him in a barren village. He asked the people at ISBT about where the buses coming from Rurakee stop. After a few directions he finally found the conductor and the driver, the bus and eventually his bag. There was no point in arguing with the two caretakers of the bus now and so he left them behind and started his journey ahead. And for the first time he heard something repeating within himself. The same lines which he had unknowingly spoken while giving interview in his dream:

“I don’t know where I am going, but I know where I have been;
I don’t know what my vision is, but I know what I have seen…”

no reason...

2008-07-04T14:01:00.011+05:30

From House MD.

JM: If I had killed you, would it have mattered?
GH: Not to me.
JM: You don't care if you live or die?
GH: I care because I live. I can't care if I'm dead.
JM: I don't want to hear semantics.
GH: You anti-semantic bastard.

JM: Would anybody care that the world lost that wit?
GH: [Writing an equation of the wall] Working here.
JM: You don't have to say anything. Just let me soak into your sub-conscious. You think that the only truth that matters is the truth that can be measured. Good intentions don't count, what's in your heart doesn't count, caring doesn't count. A man's life can't be measured by how many tears are shed when he dies. It's because you can't measure them, just because you don't want to measure them, doesn't mean it's not real.

GH: [Looking at the equation] That does not make any sense.
JM: And even if i'm wrong, you're still miserable. Did you really think that your only purpose is to sacrifice yourself and get nothing in return? No. You believe there is no purpose... to anything. Even the lives you save you dismiss. You turn the one decent thing in your life and you taint it, strip it of all meaning. You're miserable for nothing. I don't know why you'd want to live.

GH: [Turning from his writing on the wall] I'm sorry.

s/he'll be loved...

2008-06-30T19:46:00.006+05:30

Problem with being a grown up is that a person ends up learning how to pretend, how to say things s/he doesn't mean, how to hide things s/he actually feels. Broken smiles, cheerless eyes - honesty of the face is lost.

low man's lyric...

2008-06-27T21:00:00.003+05:30

"Every adult, whether he is a follower or a leader, a member of a mass or of an elite, was once a child. He was once small. A sense of smallness forms a substratum in his mind, ineradicably. His triumphs will be measured against this smallness, his defeats will substantiate it. The questions as to who is bigger and who can do or not do this or that, and to whom—these questions fill the adult’s inner life far beyond the necessities and the desirabilities which he understands and for which he plans." - Erik H. Erikson

peace...

2008-06-27T17:35:00.004+05:30

The moment when you reload your rifle. -Bob Dylan.

weak as i am...

2008-06-26T03:17:00.005+05:30

The weak are more likely to make the strong weak than the strong are likely to make the weak strong. -Marlene Dietrich.

creep...

2008-06-23T20:15:00.003+05:30

A person does not feel miserable because of the unfavorable, dark and painful things surrounding his or her life. Real cause of misery is the belief which has roots deep down in the heart of the person, that s/he is not capable, not strong enough to make choices or to change things. To reap the crop of confidence and satisfaction one needs to cultivate strength, but if one cultivates weakness, one reaps the harvest of fear and misery.

dindu's asstrology...

2008-06-19T18:49:00.007+05:30

I am a believer of astrology. May be because I was a susceptible kid and I used to hang around with my late-grandfather (may his soul rest in peace) while he prepared the horoscopes for some people and gave harmless advices to other believers about when ‘the eleventh day of shukla paksha is’ or ‘when the full moon really begins’ or ‘when to break the amavasya vrata’ or ‘when the dreadful panchak yoga will end’ etc. A distinguishing skill is always a cool thing to have. Unfortunately grandfather passed away before I could actually learn some advanced tips or tricks. But I received from my grandpa’s legacy one astrology software which could give some charts and generic forecasting about a person if one knows his date, time and place of birth.

I tried impressing Dindu one day with this software. But Dindu didn’t believe in astrology. His mind is pseudo-scientific (because if it was scientific then he surely would have believed in astrology). Questions like ‘how can a planet affect a human being’, ‘if two people are born at the same time, at the same place will they have same life/future’, ‘if planets decide everything then what are we doing here’ etc. inhibit his juvenile intellect. He even went to the extent of insulting astrology by mistyping it ‘asstrology’ whenever we had online discussions on the subject. He didn’t know that astrology is not for knowing the fate of a person, but to plan for the contingencies that arise because of the forces stronger than human beings. It’s like this - if you hear the forecast on the radio that it is going to rain, then you can plan to take umbrella with you. That’s what astrology is about – ‘this is what the big guys (planets, stars, constellations…) are planning in near future, how are you going to deal with it’.

Anyhow, I took Dindu’s date, time and place of birth, fed into this software I had bequeathed, and told him – ‘Machi! From May 11th to June 13th this year, Venus is squaring with Mars and Sun around Gemini, Cancer and Virgo; be careful with the girls, stay at home on Fridays.’ But he didn’t listen to me and eventually he was caught in the heavy rain without the umbrella.

Dindu was hanging around with this girl for a few months now and on Friday the June 13th he took her to a Starbucks somewhere in Chennai. Then they went to watch ‘Gone Baby Gone’ at the local multiplex. Later in the night when Dindu went to drop her home, while she was closing the door of her house Dindu asked ‘Can I kiss you?’ Instead of kissing the gentleman she asked ‘Do you love me?’ It took Dindu some time to gather what just struck him. I know the first thing that would have crossed his mind was my advice ‘be careful with the girls, stay at home on Fridays’. But now it was too late and he had to answer the most frightening question he could imagine.

He tried starting with a smile and a long ‘hmmmmm…’ which was cut short by ‘Do you love me or not?’

Dindu said ‘I don’t want to answer this question because it…’

The girl snapped ‘Then why do want to kiss me? Why are we wasting all this time? $*** $** $*** **$*blah blah**$$**$*$*$’ I can imagine it was all special character conversation for a while. I mean, we all know a lot of people get impressed by such stereotype melodramas of the movies and TV serials. She snapped the door in front of Dindu and tambi’s Ethmoid bone had narrow escape from a lifetime fracture. From the moment of door snapping, for three days Dindu didn’t come out of his home. Apparently, the girl had mailed him the unprintable epitaphs of their friendship. Dindu didn’t know what got her suddenly, he had asked only for a kiss, not for all her hair!

After listening to Dindu’s tragic booby trap situation he had got into, I tried consoling the man.

Me: Come one man! Forget what happened. Move on.

Dindu: No macha! It was my mistake also. I shouldn’t have asked for the kiss.

Me: Oh come on man! That’s no fault of yours. But are you looking only for sex or do you see a future of this relationship?

Dindu: I don’t know man, there could have been a future, but I didn’t do anything wrong. I had just asked. God knows if I had kissed her without asking I would have been dead by now.

Me: If you don’t want ‘only sex’ then what are you really looking for?

Dindu: I don’t know man! May be I just want to know more about her! I don’t know her completely, how can I say whether I love her or not. Now she is not even giving me a chance to explain what I feel.

Me: Well, you could have also asked her whether she loves you or not!

Dindu: And if she had said ‘yes’ what would I say. I don’t want to make a commitment now and later back out. And she does not understand this.

Me: Well, you need to identify what is the basis of your relationship or friendship or whatever sinking-ship it is now!

Dindu: ?

Me: I mean people become friends with each other because of various reasons. Two people complain about the same thing or hate the same thing – they become friends. Two people are afraid of same thing – they become friends. Two people gossip about the same thing/people – they become friends. Such friendships don’t last longer than a Twenty20 match. What kind are you?

Dindu: Well, I can’t say. But this one was a little stronger. Our likes and dislikes matched, though some conflicts were there, yet we are, actually were easy going – but I don’t know, I won’t say it was so strong that I can commit myself for life.

Me: Then you have to tell her the same thing. See, the real test of the ‘-ship’ is when you both face challenges together, trust each other with almost like a bird trusts its wings – otherwise you cannot really go anywhere with the ‘-ship’. People stay together for all their life, but very few develop a strong relationship.

Dindu: Right man! But she is not even answering my calls. I don’t want both of us looking like fools in the future who made a stupid decision because of storming hormones or whatever TV dramas and movies they watched. I don’t want both of us to become each other’s weakness. I want her to become my strength and in turn I will become her strength.

Me: Macha! You already know the answer. Just let her be with herself for sometime. Let her logical self take over her emotional self and then you go and talk to her face to face. If she understands your point then you will know you can go forward, if she doesn’t understand and starts bullifying you, then you will know she is NOT the ‘one’.

Dindu: Ok man! I will do that. But before talking to her, I will give you a call to know if that is the right time for me to go and talk…

Me: What do you mean? I have already given you whatever I could say about the subject…

Dindu: No macha! I mean about the astrology thing. I mean, the day I go and talk to her, my planets should be at the right places…

And only I can imagine how happy I was seeing Dindu type astrology right this time!

let go...

2008-06-18T22:01:00.007+05:30

There are decisive moments when I ask 'how will it affect my future?' I allow the fear of distant uncertainty decide my present, when I should actually let the certainty of present shape my future.

viva la vida...

2008-06-16T00:23:00.006+05:30

People are running towards a dead-end. How does it matter if one hits the wall today, yesterday or tomorrow. Faster one runs, harder he's going to get hit...

only time...

2008-06-16T00:15:00.007+05:30

It's always wise to get a good glance of the reality before cultivating any dream. Because...

what life could mean to you...

2008-06-10T20:11:00.003+05:30

What Life Could Mean to You - a book by Alfred Adler

father forgets...

2008-06-10T15:18:00.003+05:30

For the young of today, who will become old of tomorrow:

Father Forgets by W Livingstone Larned.

nostalgia@desktop...

2008-06-09T14:04:00.006+05:30

Eye@5042kms
Eye@9.76kms

Eye@1.46 kms

Eye@377 m

Eye@101 m

And Nostalgia...

idea(tic) indigestion...

2008-06-02T00:15:00.006+05:30

Dindu isn’t very happy with his legendary name – Dindigul Krishnamachary Senthil Santhosh Srinivasan. Somebody told him his name sounds more like IUPAC name of an organic compound, something like 1-iso-2-cyno-tetra-butanoic acid. I told him - ‘what’s in a name machi, dindu who lives in chennai will remain dindu by any other name’. It gave him some confidence and last time when he left the conversation he was headed towards the beach near his house, for solitude or for sinking his ass in Bay of Bengal - no idea, until...

After a few days, Dindu pings me long distance and says:

Dindu: Macha! I have found out a great secret of life.

Me: Hey!!! Good man! What is it? Some fountain of youth or something, or some money tree, or a power to read other people’s minds, or the answer to 'why-the-hell-am-I-doing-my-job'?

Dindu: Tch, no da! It’s the omnipresent law, the simple fact, which is so common that common man fails to see it.

Me: Duh! What’s that?

Dindu: A common man sees other people the same way s/he sees a tree.

Me: Ohhhkk!!! Silence for a couple of seconds… more silence…

Me: So??? What does that mean?

Dindu: What I mean is, when an average person comes in contact with some other person or thing, s/he judges the person or the thing with the immediate knowledge about the person or the thing and the way that information is correlated to the person who is making the judgment.

Me: Ok! I don’t understand a thing.

Dindu: Figuratively, a person looks at the branches of the tree and says tree is like this or like that. Very few care about the roots of the tree. Also, the judgment might differ depending on the current state of interest of the person.

Me: How?

Dindu: Assume there is a huge tree with lot of branches and leaves. Now, if a person wants to take shelter from the sun or the rain and comes across this tree, this is in interest of the person – the tree is a haven. If a person wants to build a house on the same spot as the tree or a person’s kite is stuck in the tree, then the tree becomes trouble. You see?

Me: So? How does this relate to person to person relations?

Dindu: Similarly, when a person comes in contact with other person, the quality and strength of this contact link depends on their immediate state of interest and their immediate knowledge about each other.

Me: But who has the time to dig the earth and look at the roots?

Dindu: That’s the reason of failure of so many relationships. It’s like two beggars begging each other assuming that the other is an emperor. Eventually they come to realize that both of them are beggars and then they fall apart (source). Moreover, if you are looking for diamonds you’ve got to dig, if you want dust it’s everywhere!

Me: Whoa, that's heavy! I will get indigestion man. Phew! What the heck are you eating these days?

Dindu: Dae! Nothing da... I am just spending more time in the beach…

Me: Tch! Ok da, after this over dose of your brain, I need to go pinch a loaf…

Dindu: Dae fu****r!

Me: Can’t stop man!!! Meanwhile check this. Bye bye…

Dindu: Puranboka. Wait!!!!

history repeats itself...

2008-05-28T22:26:00.004+05:30

You can run, you can hide, but you cannot escape it... This time it seems viruses were waiting in the waters of the swimming pool. Oh! sneeze... sneeze... cough... cough... When will we find cure for common cold! Given following statistics, scientists should seriously get some medicine to eradicate it. Something like, the vaccinations that happen when you are a kid and then the country becomes disease free! cough... cough... sneeeeezee...

readme...

2008-05-22T16:36:00.004+05:30

This is a lot of pressure. Meaningless, but undeniable. I don't want to listen to anyone anymore, my anger is about to spill over my patience. Moments when I want to be heard but there is no one to listen to me. And I cannot make anything out of my own words. Mostly noise. I am cultivating a volcano with boiling words, blistering me from inside.

I paint graffiti of my thoughts - result of unheard, incomprehensible voices screaming inside. Desperate attempts to be free from this noise. I wonder - what's the purpose of words - to create noise, or to create silence...

only when words outperform silence...

2008-05-10T16:02:00.004+05:30

why ravish the purity
of ignorance
with all the pretense..

why cover the sanctity
of silence
with prejudices of words..

why hide from reality
to escape the fear
and weakness of heart..

why borrow the noise
from the world
and make it louder..

why not just grow
with the elegance
of simplicity..

and speak out
only when the words
outperform silence..

the G-gap...

2008-05-05T13:14:00.002+05:30

I don't know why am I feeling isolated and claustrophobic at the same time. These are those moments of emotional enigma when a person wants to just let himself fall wherever he is falling. When a person wants to lose all control, without losing his dignity. When a person wants to reveal all his dark secrets without any fear of getting judged. When a person wants to let go all his fears and vent off all his anger without being misunderstood. When a person wants to die without killing himself and with an assurance that he will be resurrected again. At these intense defining moments, a person wants to fall back on someone or something. And "family" is the first (if not obvious) choice. Lucky are those who can fall back on their families, who can share their thoughts without any hesitations. But if the family is like the safety net with a big hole, which you know if you fall back on, you are going to hit the ground, then what?

I am not very proud to say that I am not very proud of my family. I do owe every material necessity provided to me, but ultimately everyone realizes that life is more than just material. I can't understand them, they can't understand me. We are the strangers with the same blood.

Blame it on the generation gap. Youth is always in rebellion against the old. People always say - children grow up and become reason for the misery of their parents. But nobody asks why don't parents grow up with their children? Why do they still remain glued with their old traditions and principles? Why don't their ideas change with the changing times? Growing up is not the same as growing old, right? I refuse to live with a meaningless devotion. I cannot pretend!

May be it is the destiny of the bourgeois. They are doomed to live with their unspoken disagreements, which with time grow into generation gaps. The generation before me, hails from the times of fresh air of Independence and democracy, India-China India-Pak wars and state of Emergency. Those were the events which shaped their susceptible young minds. They saw India begging foreign countries for food, they saw Indian economy collapse, they saw their rights being taken away from them and people getting forcibly sterlized. They hardly left their families for study or work. Getting a job (with government) was the end of their struggle, that was all they wanted. They retired with their first job. They were emotionally and sometimes even financially dependent on their families. Every crucial decision of their life was taken by their elders. They virtually lived life designed by other people's decisions. Because they had too many of their relatives around all the time, they could never understand the importance of a family. There is no surprise that they believed (and sadly still do) in playing it safe all the time.

I am a different generation. 9/11 is the darkest event marked in my mind. I know life is no longer safe and certain. India is no longer begging for food, India is the second giant in this huge race of scarcity and wants. India looks straight into the face of world and says what it wants to say. World knows India is the next super power in making. There are unlimited opportunities all around. I have lived my impressionable years away from the family, independent - emotionally and financially - with dreams of making it big one day. I believe in risking it all. Getting a job is just the beginning of a race for me, not the end. Today, there is always a long way to go.

When one generation fails to get into the shoes of the other - gap creeps in. Countless arguments follow from both the sides, and emotional burdens start getting heavy. Opinions get polarized and there are supporters on both the sides to fight till death for something which could have been resolved with a little open talk, patience and sacrifice. But Alas! We prefer to live with sullen resentments, disagreements mean animosity to us.

This cannot be changed in one day. This is the result of five decades. But may be at least I can prevent this rot from spreading down to my posterity. I would rather tell my son - 'Son, I am old, but I can take care of myself. Don't worry about me, I will be fine. If you need any help, let me know. But just remember, now I don't want to hear from you; I want to hear about you. I want people coming to me and telling stories about you. Go and do what you want to do, become what you want to become.'

understanding thought...

2008-05-01T22:10:00.006+05:30

Questions I have in mind right now are:

1. Why thoughts come in my brain?

2. At times, why can’t I choose what to think?

3. Can this process of thought creation and propagation be brought under my control?

When I think, I don’t think linearly – which I presume is the case with most of people. Most of thoughts are jumbled. There is no absolute start and absolute end of a thought. Stories don’t always begin with ‘once upon a time…’ and end with ‘happily ever after…’ Definitions are the things which people arrive at the end of a subject.

After a lot of analysis I have come to the conclusion that my thoughts are basically of two kinds:

1. Ones which are the result of instant situations. E.g. I look at the clouds with a relatively blank brain and I become the thought – ‘Oh! What a nice weather!’ or ‘Oh! Today there is no work!’

2. Others which are the result of the previous ones. E.g. ‘I think it is going to rain’, ‘The wind is so fast’, ‘I was once caught in a storm’, ‘Storms are bad’, ‘Many people died because of cyclone in Orissa’, ‘Why do people die’ and so on…. Or ‘I don’t know what to do’, ‘Why am I doing this job’, ‘I never wanted to do this kind of work’, ‘So-and-so is working in so-and-so company’, ‘That company is far better than mine’, ‘Oh this sucks’ and so on…

Earlier I used to think that action is different from speaking and thinking. But now, I realized that thinking and speaking is just another form of action. The physical, tangible form of action that I see at the outermost level is a result of the actions (i.e. thinking and speaking) at the micro level.

At the bottom of every action lies a thought – conscious or unconscious. While walking in the crowd I never think that I should avoid hitting anyone – that comes instinctively or unconsciously. But while making a choice when buying chocolates or a mobile phone – I think consciously.

Now – what lies below thought? I don’t know.

I think, thought is another form of energy, E=MC*C, which can neither be created nor be destroyed, just transformed from one form to another. The food that I eat gets digested inside my body and becomes energy. This energy keeps changing forms and blood keeps getting pumped into the brain which in turn keeps stimulating the billions of neural links which are there. That in turn stimulates the area of my brain which knows that I am thinking and finally I realize that, one thought crossed my brain.

Now, this stimulation and realization process is pretty weak and without any control mechanism. Brain is like an overloaded hard drive and its operating system is filled with unnecessary processes. Ultimately what I see is a slow running system with highly uncertain, unpredictable behaviour.

Well, what I think is totally dependent on how I have formed my first thoughts about my surroundings throughout all these years I have grown up. My brain is a machine of stimuli and responses.

But then I think – ‘Is there an end to thought?’

They keep changing, with time, with surroundings, with people, with seasons.

Can I stop my brain from thinking?

I don’t know.

am i me...

2008-04-26T17:02:00.009+05:30

and i try
to put words together
to somehow make sentences
and give shape to the vagueness
of my feeble thoughts..

one contradicts the other
one loves, other hates
one agrees, other debates
and i always try to know
which one is the me..

questions
one after another
striking my tired mind
breaking all
which were once built
my defences shattered..

i look for answers
amidst this duality
of my only certainty, asking
am i the seeker
or am i the sought
am i the thinker
or am i the thought..

incomplete hunger...

2008-04-21T19:15:00.005+05:30

is desire weakness,
is hunger a curse?

questions, desires, longings
unanswered, unfulfilled, ignored
turn into rebellion, greed and lust
or nescience, deficiency and doom..

and answered incorrectly
fulfilled carelessly
tendered without elegance
become
delusion, conceit and a senseless hope..

Ah, hunger wasted!

what is done
becomes the doer
the eater and the eaten
eventually become one..

knowing answers is not enough
learning their value is important
earning the desires is essential
buying them isn't all..

every moment of hunger wasted
is a chance lost to evolve..

incomplete anger...

2008-04-21T18:58:00.005+05:30

can't stretch any further
your limits are challenged;
you've had enough
once again
you're about to explode

but afraid
where the pieces
of your anger will fall;

worried
will you be able to
gather those torn pieces
and put yourself together,

instincts fight against
every reason you give
and
you just hope
there was a place
where you had chances
of not losing your sanity
even after defeating yourself

allow me to be...

2008-04-09T00:34:00.004+05:30

let my thoughts fly
don't tie their wings
let me fall down
nothing can happen
let me measure my depths..

allow me to be angry
let my soul burn
let me realize
what apathy can cost..

give my greed a chance
and i will find out
how important effort is..

allow me to be jealous
and let me learn
how to let go..

let me feel the shame
and become responsible
for what i do..

allow me to be sad
let me feel this pain
let me understand
what joy is worth..

don't stop me from being
what i am now
this will change
let me be honest
i will evolve..

let me fall, i will rise
let me find
how high i need to climb
just be with me
and allow me to be..

i don't...

2008-04-07T20:40:00.008+05:30

The first lines of warning from Fight Club:

If you are reading this then this warning is for you. Every word you read of this useless fine print is another second off your life. Don't you have other things to do? Is your life so empty that you honestly can't think of a better way to spend these moments? Or are you so impressed with authority that you give respect and credence to all who claim it? Do you read everything you're supposed to read? Do you think everything you're supposed to think? Buy what you're told you should want? Get out of your apartment. Meet a member of the opposite sex. Stop the excessive shopping and masturbation. Quit your job. Start a fight. Prove you're alive. If you don't claim your humanity you will become a statistic. You have been warned - Tyler.

‘Writing is a great habit. It brings discipline in thoughts, precision in words and clarity in ideas.’ Dindu told me this when I last had a conversation with him. I was amazed at the concept and happy at this realization which happened to his otherwise lazy arse, a little while after he started writing seriously.

My conversations with Dindu are never without arguments, simply because our points of view do not match. He believes in God and I don’t. He thinks ‘A’ and I think ‘Z’. He is SRK fan and I think he sucks. He doesn’t believe in taking bath, but I can’t do a single day without taking bath - and similar such small things where I am on the North Pole and he is stuck up somewhere at the 75 degrees of latitude down in the southern hemisphere. But it is good that we never misunderstood our differences in opinion as animosity. ‘Life goes on’ - we quip after we are done with all abusing and shouting out special character words on each other, where usually our arguments end. Next time, though, same argumentative cycle gets repeated.

This time the topic was the old ‘ghisa pitaa’, monotonous, stereotype, most discussed subject which haunts the-twenty-something’s heavily – marriage. You never intend to end up discussing something gross like that, but then at one moment you might be discussing the chaos at Terminal 5 of Heathrow airport and suddenly there will be nothing to talk about and at that very moment someone will ask ‘So! When are you getting married?’

Dindu: Dae! I heard inflation is going to 7%. Is that good or bad for me?

Strange! Tambi interested in inflation?!?

Me: Of course bad man, unless you are a ruthless hedge fund manager who sits in the-top-floor-river-facing-cabin at HSBC branch for investment banking. Inflation of 7% means an invisible hand is eating away the value of money which you have kept in your savings account. If you have 100k Rs in your savings account right now, they will be worth 93k Rs after one year given you don’t get any interest on your savings. So you need to save the value of your money by investing it into some investment instruments like Stocks, bonds or fixed deposits.

Dindu: Hmm… So! When are you getting married?

I hope you can imagine the level of frustration a person might have had here. I was religiously explaining inflation to him and even an iota of his brain wasn't interested in that. What happens when red hot iron is super-cooled with dry ice? It gets pissed off, big time!!! Apparently all the inflation chat was just a precursor to this.

Me: What the f*** happened suddenly!!!

Dindu: I might be getting married to a girl soon.

Me: Good for you man that it’s a ‘girl’ and not a ‘boy’. You will do well.

Dindu: Dae B******. No kidding. When are you getting married?

Didn’t he get the message with ‘What the f***!!!’? Patience… Take a deep breath… Count till five… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5…

Me: Cough… Cough… whenever I get the guts to say ‘I do’.

Dindu: Why do people get married man?

Me: You should tell me that a**h****! You are the one who is getting into it.

Dindu: I don’t know man. I am getting into it because all my cousins are done with it. My parents are now forcing me to get into it.

Me: That’s good enough a reason tambi! They do it; I do it - simple valid reason. My Mama asks me to brush my teeth, I do. My Pop asks me to have hairline in the left side of the head inside of in the middle, I do. Who the hell am I? Wake up man! I have told you so many times already that people have different reason of doing what they do. So you need to find your own.
Dindu: Macha! I have been thinking a lot about this from past few weeks. I have also written my thoughts about it in my journal. What I have concluded is that, marriage is not a law of nature. It is just an institution established by human species in early times of its evolution. What I can imagine is – as human population grew and disorder prevailed in society, some scholarly people introduced this concept, which is nothing greater than the concept of ‘currency notes’.

Me: Yeah, if you say so. Basically it helped people to identify who is whose father/mother and which one is which one’s child. Basic law of nature is – every species struggles to keep itself alive. Darwin! But you need to remember that we no longer follow nature’s code. We are the most intelligent species. We follow social code now which is smarter than natural laws. So better be realistic.

Dindu: True. We might have been able to outsmart nature in some ways, but we will never be able to overpower it. And I am not only talking about the nature outside of us, I am talking about our very own nature. The nature, that makes us feel our emotions - happiness, anger and pain… that nature.

Me: Are you trying to say that there is still some natural reason left which can justify people getting married?

Dindu: Yes da! There has to be some fundamental law. Otherwise why would a man get attracted towards a woman and vice versa?

Me: But how will you explain men getting attracted to men and women getting married to women though not enough instances in India till now.

Dindu: That’s not natural man. That’s bloody gay thing. That’s psychological disorder man. Even science has proved it.

Me: Ha ha ha… Crap! What exactly are you trying to say man? Where the f*** is this conversation headed?

Dindu: I am not trying to make any scholarly hypothesis here boss. I just want to understand a few things before I get laid.

Me: You don't have to be married to get laid. Understand like what?

Dindu: I want to understand why parents love their children, even among animals?

Me: Snake eats its own eggs. Cats and Lions – they eat their own infants.

Dindu: Ok da…!!! Most of the animals! But what makes us humans to love our child even when it is disabled and cannot speak and walk? Why do saints preach that we should be compassionate towards criminals and diseased? Why does a person fall in love, get married and then one day get divorced?

Me: Answer to last question might be because we are driven by our needs and when needs are satisfied we no longer care about the objects which we earlier used to satisfy those needs. I don’t know about the first two.

Dindu: But then there are people who stay married for whole of their lives.

Me: Come on man! Life is not algebra where two plus two is always four. It’s complex. You make mistakes, you learn, you move on. You make choices. Nothing is forever here. May be your first marriage won’t be successful. Try second. If that fails, try third. What’s the big deal in that? There is still polygamy in many cultures. You never stay with your first mobile phone forever, do you? As technology advances and your mobile-phone doesn’t change with it, you change it! You upgrade.

Dindu: What the f*** man. This is not a joke.

Me: I am not laughing a**h***. First of all it was you who turned this conversation from inflation to marriage. And now you don’t know what you really wanted to discuss. What the f*** man.

Dindu: Why the f*** are you so arrogant man?

Me: Look who is saying this!

Dindu: F*** this. Life goes on.

Me: C’est la vie.

So I log-off and tune into this new song to which I have got addicted to. Mad World by Gary Jules which says:

I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad;
the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had..

crash...

2008-04-06T20:38:00.004+05:30

Ah! Haven't seen such a movie for a long time. Intense, down to earth, realistic, a must watch! Below is the Academy award winning 'Best Original Song' In the Deep by Bird York. Sigh...

Thought you had
all the answers
to rest your heart upon
But something happens,
don't see it coming, now
you can't stop yourself
Now you're out there swimming
In the deep...

Damn! Made me sad, movie as well the song!

an old man's illusion...

2008-04-06T14:51:00.008+05:30

born out of an impotent desire
grown old with a lame apathy
the tired old man
looks into the mirror
searches for the face
that was his
and sees that
he has become the illusion
in which he once believed

dreams of an oasis
every word, every thought
every blink of eyes
was poetry coming to life
he was young, restless
he had a lot to prove
so he struggled and strived
he used to die everyday
to keep his dreams alive

but then one day
reality appeared before him
and he faced the
illusion he was living
illusion of love
of hope, of greatness
of liberation
of things larger than life
illusion of a world
that was beautiful
and worth fighting for

the reality took over him
and he saw his ideas rot away
word by word, phrase by phrase
he felt his dreams dying
a slow suffocating death

and now he is alive
but not living anymore
the incomplete poem
frozen over his stoned eyes
his wrinkled soul
visible on his face
what's left
is just the illusion
in which he once believed

down 'n' out in London...

2008-04-01T19:04:00.004+05:30

It’s been relatively pretty long. Dindu kept bombing me with the mails and messages about my whereabouts. He is always in anxiety of me reaching the caves of Himalayas before him. ‘Don’t worry man! I am not going anywhere!’

Nothing special happened during this period, only a few twists and turns. First thing – I am not going for the Masters. So, the singular episode of UoU ends with a happy note but a sad twist. Reasons, of course, were less financial and more personal. Then I had a memorable four day journey all the way from London to Scotland - memorable because I drove 500 miles of those 1600 miles of journey on a seven seater KIA on the highways of this country which are truly awesome. Maximum speed reached was 100 mph. Yeah – 160 kmph. Waterfalls, greenery, mountains, ocean, snow, clouds and lakes – everything in a single journey – Scotland is unmatchable. The cities visited – Edinburgh, Inverness, Kyle, Isle of Skye, Glasgow and Blackpool.

Since return from Scotland I have been dreaming of the next long drives. All other times, I try to kill the time watching movies.

Kilt Rock Waterfalls in Skye

In last two weeks I have watched some very disturbing and intense emotional movies - ‘Requiem for a Dream’ & ‘Trainspotting’, some Oscar level drama - ‘There will be Blood’, ‘Schindler’s List’ & ‘Le Scaphandre et le Papillon (The Diving bell & Butterfly)’ and one Bollywood flick ‘Mithya’. All of them are excellent movies within their own genres but now I am getting saturated with the celluloid. Caution: If you are weak hearted or like happy endings then first two (especially first) movies are not for you.

Let me just wrap up with some of the non sequitur observations/quotes I came across during this period of intense decisive, chaotic times:

Still, I can point to one or two things I have definitely learned by being hard up. I shall never again think that all tramps are drunken scoundrels, nor expect a beggar to be grateful when I give him a penny, nor be surprised if men out of work lack energy, nor subscribe to the Salvation Army, nor pawn my clothes, nor refuse a handbill, nor enjoy a meal at a smart restaurant. That is a beginning. George Orwell in Down and Out in London and Paris
---
Sometimes you already know everything, but still you need a small voice, a person other than you to tell you that ‘Yes! That is right! You can do it!’
---
Comparing oneself with others is very easy. More you compare with others, more you lose your own identity.
---
When you are walking in a crowd to which you do not belong, it is no surprise that you will eventually become claustrophobic.
---
Making choices is really difficult - especially when situation is something similar to choosing between your left hand and right hand, or left eye and right eye. No matter how difficult these moments are, they really define the character of a person. What a person is capable of letting go and what a person is ready to embrace.
---
Every person was once small and that smallness never leaves that person even after that person has become big. Fears, obsessions, addictions – these are all related to that smallness.

scribbled in haste...

2008-03-19T00:53:00.006+05:30

survivors of an unknown tide; dry sand, heavy sadness; and nowhere to hide; they meet they speak of the world left behind; of what they thought sought and what they held inside..

buds of affinity bloomed from words sowed in silence; there was a connection a bond, a strange familiar fragrance; and the nostalgia of the land left behind faded away into distance..

but then there was pride; a choking vacuum, a harsh truth; which they were forced to abide; many times they practiced, rehearsed; what they wanted to say; finally told the truth but still they lied..

when two lives collide; crossroads form, sacrifices happen; and next moment they divide; they sobbed, wept for what they lost; but after a while when the tide ebbed; their words, tears, dreams, desires, all died..

dindu's pool of reality...

2008-03-18T04:18:00.006+05:30

Now we know that US economy is headed for a severe stagflation (inflation + unemployment) and $ is going to lose its shine sooner or later, and this situation is going to affect the economies around the world including India. Experts say that this can even resemble the 1929’s Great Depression. Makes me nervous to read and watch. Be cautious everyone! Don’t curse the fate/fortune/religion/god once this systemic failure leaves its rot behind. After reading this thought provoking and hair raising interview of Shankar Sharma (of First Global) you will find that on a fundamental level, this is a result of ‘living beyond one’s means’.

Apart from the interview above, I had another thought provoking/hair raising conversation last weekend with Dindu. Dindu can be very witty at times, though most of the times he is lying ‘vetti’ in his sofa changing TV channels which is his favorite hobby. The 'witty'ness happens mostly on days when he takes bath – which is almost once in a while if not more, and more especially when he goes for his swimming lessons at the local leisure centre. That reminds me of the controversies that follow Dindu wherever he goes. On the first day of his swimming, he came out of the Men’s change room, but while going back landed in the Female change room. He was only a few moments away from being beaten up by the ladies, but apparently they have to remove their shoes/slippers before entering the pool side. This wasn’t all. Next time while trying to swim across the length of pool (which would be around 50 meters) he lost breath in the middle, slipped and fell over a bunch of ladies standing at one corner. One lady caught Dindu by the neck and she could have drowned him in the pool had not the instructor intervened. And as it turned out to be, ‘next time’ was the day we had this conversation.

Dindu was just back from the claws of death. And when a person somehow experiences his death, it makes him even wiser, and takes him nearer to Buddhahood (in his case – Dinduhood). So Dindu and I had this conversation in which Dindu told me about the ten fold principles he envisioned when his head was under the water in the hands of a beautiful woman, who he intends to ask out for a cup of coffee on his next leisure centre visit. Here is Dindu's ten principles of Pool Reality.

1. World is like a huge swimming pool, with different depths, currents, temperatures and cleanliness of water at different places.

2. Boundaries of this swimming pool are very uncertain. At some places this pool is very broad, at some places very narrow. These boundaries are the good and bad, positive and negative, light and dark.

3. We need to be inside this pool whether we wish or not.

4. Our body and mind have limitations – i.e. we cannot hold our breath for more than a limit of time and we cannot stress our body beyond a point.

5. If we try to swim across this pool in a single breath, that might lead us to beating by some group of ladies. That is, we will lose our balance and gasp for breath if we don’t relax and breathe at regular intervals.

6. When we lose our balance, we start sinking in the pool whose depth we don’t know. Then our survival instinct forces us to grasp the nearest possible corner. Sometimes we land in the ‘good’ corner and sometimes in the ‘bad’ corner.

7. There are very few people who swim in the deep water. The places where the depth is less the crowd is more. Advantage of being in the shallow water is that it is safe but there is risk of getting suffocated in the crowd. There is risk of getting drowned and being left alone in the deep water but ‘it is better to be breathless in the pure air than being full of breath in foul air’.

8. Most of the people swim only across a narrow breadth of pool. Their relative position never changes. They swim in circles.

9. It is difficult to swim in a straight line at a single stretch. So every swimmer follows a non linear path as given in the below diagram called ‘Dindu’s Pool of Reality’.10. Basic thing a mortal human being needs to learn is how to stay relaxed and balanced in the middle of deep water. And how to keep breathing!

Dindu thinks that he can liberate this world by making humans understand this ten fold charter. My best wishes are with the tambi.

Meanwhile, I am stuck with a very difficult choice to make. Big dilemma going through my little brain currently - 'To MS or not to MS'.

her tryst...

2008-03-12T19:20:00.004+05:30

clouds of emotions cross her heart
with droplets of promises, flakes of hope
an old desire opens its dreary eyes
from the underground, an unknown slope..

when did this seed, this neglected desire
with an innocent face, wearing bawdry attire
entered her soul, she can hardly remember
but her heart has always fallen in its mire..

an earth plowed by corpses of traditions
sowed with rotten seeds of ambitions,
her soul has eroded, her heart is barren
never in peace with its own definitions..

'O father, why didn't you let me be
with my own dreams, and my tiny sea
why did you always teach me to believe
in a restless world I could never see..

I could've been me, with a name of my own
clear and simple, my mind would've grown
but you broke my knees, and pushed me to run
Ah! had you just loved me, I sure would've won..'

and she, her heart and the old desire
now too tired to dream or aspire
walk alone with a crowd of compromise
so used to darkness, so scared of a sunrise..

heart is always in war with the reason
and she doesn't know to whom she must listen
whether heart triumphs or her reasons win
always her soul feels guilty of a sin..

so her lips move, and whisper a prayer
an intense urge to be free from dispair
'I want to be strong, I want to be brave
I want to be in peace, I want to be aware..'

tagged...

2008-03-08T20:39:00.002+05:30

Oops.. I was tagged by Priya. Very difficult to write out like this but still giving a try.. One warning: these ideas are contextual, so you need to know what my current state of mind is. Last night I boozed till I threw up. So that hangover might be getting reflected from some of the lines. But once that's over, I myself might find it funny! Anyhow.. here I go.. And I tag the bloggers who visit here except for the ones who are already tagged.. he he he..

Ten Things You Wish You Could Say To People Right Now (names withheld) :

1. I miss you guys! (to the partners in crime… equally doped!)
2. Trust me. I can do it. (to the cynic boss!)
3. You are my star. You are my angel. (to all beautiful people who help me out at times…)
4. Thanks, but no thanks. (to those who distribute advice, free like pamphlets…)
5. Fuck off. (refer #4)
6. I don’t know. (to the business who don’t know either…)
7. Would you please help me? (please refer #3…)
8. I trust you. (the person who promises me that s/he will do it for me…)
9. I wish somehow I could know you better. (the persons I find amazing…)
10. Will you marry me? (hangover sentence...)
________________________________________

Nine Things About Yourself

1. Six sigma certified in cooking yellow daal.
2. Not the person who you can befriend at first sight.
3. Great movies fan. Currently watching top 250 movies of imdb, one by one.
4. A little negligent in worldly affairs. Accounts, politics, shopping, appointments – ‘I do them tomorrow…’
5. I drink lot of juices and eat lots of honey. He he…
6. Capricorn with scorpion traces!
7. I like being by myself, but enjoy some very few precious companies. Not the outgoing sort!
8. Hopelessly romantic.
9. Emotionally confused. But technically sound. He he…
_________________________________________________

Eight Ways To Win Your Heart

1. Heart felt smile!
2. Intelligence.
3. Simplicity – in attire, personality and speech.
4. By being yourself. By being true to what you believe.
5. By giving me a world tour ticket.
6. By listening to me and in between by saying ‘hmmm…’.
7. By telling me everything about yourself.
8. Free lunch/movie providers are always welcome heart winners.
________________________________________________

Seven Things That Cross Your Mind A Lot

1. What the fuck am I doing here?
2. Why don’t these people stop talking and start working?
3. What’s that?
4. Truth is not always synonymous with honesty (The Departed)
5. I am going to do this in my next life.
6. Hope is a good thing, perhaps the best of things. And no good thing ever dies. (The Shawshank Redemption)
7. It could have been better.
_____________________________________________

Six Things You Wish You Could Do or Could Have Done

1. I wish I could go out and grab some lunch. But this hangover! Duh..!
2. I wish I could continue a healthy life routine.
3. I wish I could do the things I could have done. He he..
4. I wish I could be a better speaker.
5. I wish I could read minds. He he..
6. I wish I could take it easy.
_____________________________________________

Five Turn-Offs

1. Pretension.
2. Dishonest lies.
3. Talk… talk… talk...
4. SRK/Govinda’s movies.
5. Discussing people on their back.
________________________________________________

Four Turn-Ons

1. Simplicity.
2. Countryside drive.
3. Metallica/LP/Carla Bruni etc etc's Songs.
4. Scorsese/Amir Khan etc etc’s movies.
______________________________________________

Three Things You Want To Do Before You Die

1. Go to Andaman Nicobar Islands, Leh, Gangtok blah blah places.
2. Write one book.
3. Find out what was this life all about after all!
________________________________________________

Two Smileys that Describe You

:)

:P
______________________________________________

One Confession

Oh! My hair line is receding faster than the economy of USA. He he...

orphan...

2008-03-06T01:25:00.013+05:30

lost in the crowd of memories there stands an orphan child
whose innocence was overrun by the world going wild
choking throat, moist eyes his fists are closed, lips tight
he feels betrayed, he knows this could never be his fight...

he was forced to grow it was never his free will
the burden of heavy dreams he is carrying to fulfill
he never says, never moves to the ground his feet are stuck
he looks around and wonders if this is his final luck...

he awaits a brother to carry him to places
he wishes for a mother's affectionate embraces
he looks for a direction, he's afraid where he must go
he wishes he had a father to teach him how to let go...

soft emotions turned hard stone
tough and arrogant he refuses to conform
now he can't remember when he last smiled
he keeps pretending, this god's lonely child…

remember the name...

2008-03-03T00:40:00.006+05:30

Mike Shinoda is great. Didn't know he has Fort Minor project as well, along with Linkin Park. Inspires the hell out of people! There are many versions of this song - Ronaldinho, Cristiano Ronaldo, Ian Thorpe, Michale Jordan... But I like this one the most:

veni vedi LSE...

2008-03-02T00:30:00.007+05:30

There are some very few people, after talking to them you feel delighted and refreshed even though your intimate views differ greatly. Dindu is not one of them.

Dindu: laughs… What? Where did you go? Laughs… People go to London to visit Thames, Tower of London, London Eye, Oxford Street, Leicester, Birmingham and Greenwich kind of world famous places…! More than this desi-lads go there to visit a strip-club. And where are you saying you visited?

Me: LSE man. London School of Economics and Political Science!

Dindu: London school of economics aa? What were you doing there? Who allowed you inside?

Me: I just went inside. To see the place where JFK, KR Narayanan, Amartya Sen, Bertrand Russell and GB Shaw kind of people once studied.

Dindu: laughs… laughs… laughs… What for man? You could have gone to some pub or some stripclub man… They studied there, fine. That doesn't mean you should go there.

Me: Dae! Luus paiyya... See man, the learning in our lives has come to a virtual dead end, so I was just thinking of studying in LSE in my next life. I thought that I will get some good energy from the place and that will help me in my after life. I even bought essays of Milton Friedman and LSE publication of Macroeconomics from the shop there in the campus.

Dindu: laughs… laughs… laughs… a***ole!

Me: f**k yourself man! Hung up the phone

Dindu couldn’t digest the idea of me visiting LSE. But for me LSE was more important than anything else. I haven’t visited much of the London. Not because I didn’t get the opportunity but because I don’t have any desire left to roam around like a tourist and get my pictures clicked in front of buildings, statues and pictures to show them off later. Duh! Nope!

There is a strange dissatisfaction in life which makes me depressed every now and then. I fall to the levels of fatalistic thoughts. Tch! I am not so weak to accept my fate, and I am not so strong to create it on my own. And so, I keep searching for something.

I mean... if a person is asleep and dreaming and his sleep gets disturbed, you can give him a more comfortable warm bed and better dreams to get him back to sleep. But when a person knows he is asleep and dreaming and he is disturbed that he is dreaming and he wants to wake up, what would you do with him...

Anyhow. It's difficult to understand one's own self. Long way to go. The world awaits.

great find...

2008-02-21T01:20:00.004+05:30

I was feeling hungry to see/listen to some interview of our finance minister when I found this great place in YouTube. It's really amazing. A collection of interviews by Charlie Rose. I hope many would find someone of their interest being interviewed there. Do visit.

hail capricorns...

2008-02-20T01:53:00.006+05:30

( desktop of a dark soul :P.. )

Poor Capricorns – we often suffer from an incorrigible tendency of falling victim to unnecessary frustration and negativity. Just a matter of fact negative trigger from a bad day and we are imagining the darkest of possibilities. At those moments we are so pessimistic that we can almost transform the B +ve blood into B –ve only by talking frustration. The previous ‘i am the flaw…’ was a result of that…

This capricious tendency of us Capricorns is almost similar to the weather at London. Today it is bright, warm and sunny and tomorrow by no distant rhyme or reason it will become dark, cloudy and cold. Sometimes the sunny mornings are colder than the overcast mornings! Not many desi guys like this weather. ‘Crappy weather’ is all they keep saying. I, on the other hand, find it more familiar given my initial years spent in Shimla and Pilani which have almost similar impulsive climate.

Meanwhile, the work is progressing and there are some green signals coming from top. Presentations, documents and statistics… That’s where I am spending most of the time right now. The experience of inventing correct data without doing lab experiments in the engineering labs is coming very handy. This will hopefully be over soon though. Also trying to figure out what I am capable of doing if not this. I could not imagine anything except ‘khetibaaDi’ or perhaps blogging (??) but how about bread, butter and coffee?? So, will now remove the dark gory Ghazals, and listen to Robbie Williams with a bottle of British ale until I find a contingency plan for post pro life:

i am the flaw...

2008-02-19T01:57:00.007+05:30

I am the desire,
the ambition of an arrogant mind
that I know I can never fulfill

I am the anger,
the boiling blood in my veins
that I know will melt my bones

I am the weakness,
the shameful vacuum in my throat
that I know I can never accept

I am the fear,
the suffocating smallness of my heart
that I know I can never outrun

I am the thought,
the words infected with emotions
that I know I can never comprehend

I am the loneliness,
the warm moist tear in my eyes
that I know I can never evade

I am the flaw,
the me which I want myself to be
that I know I can never become

now what...

2008-02-15T02:41:00.003+05:30

This is one of those days when I am feeling tired and exhausted. Not by the work and work-politics, but by the emotions, reasons and indifferences of my own. I love myself with all these conflicting emotions, where one says go for it, other says stay away from it and still other says ‘who cares?’Period! I hate this tendency of mine.

I have been reading a lot about writer’s block, pen’s paralysis but experiencing it today. Not sure if it is that! Not a bad situation at all. There is nothing to rebel against, there is nothing to get inspired from – what can a person write in that situation? Very enlightening state of mind - if you look closely! Those moments when ‘what-nexts’ and ‘now-whats’ hit you like a devastating explosive, destroy all what you built and make you think all over again.

Alas! The restless heart or the brain perhaps! The marvelous machine which receives stimuli, prepares responses and leaves the body to display those responses, a complicated matrix of zeros and ones, a maze of complicated choices.

I was watching the ‘Unlocking the Mystery of Life’ videos (links for the 7 parts are there in the Video Roll) and found some interesting facts about evolution. Just try them in your spare time, might interest you. I used to watch them one every night before going to sleep.

Or try this video/song from movie ‘Wo hu Cang Long’ (Crouching Tiger the Hidden Dragon):

Cheers!

rocket idli…

2008-02-12T01:23:00.000+05:30

Living with a Sri Lankan family here in London, as most of us desi guys usually choose to, so that when we land back home our pound-savings give us a lot of rupees to spend. It is 50 GBP a week and decent enough for us desis (well, it depends…) When you are earning as much as a bus driver earns here per month, then you start making economical decisions. Anyhow, here the standard of living is very high.

Now, these Sri Lankan guys are fine in all other aspects (viz. cleanliness, friendliness et al) except their eating habits are ultra-hot. They eat so much meat that had their population been one billion like us Indians, all chicken, lambs and fish would have become extinct species by now. Breakfast, lunch dinner - and you smell meat-cooking all the time inside house. Well, that’s not all – upon that they put so much RED chilly in their food (by that I mean everything – chutney, curry…) that an English person’s rectum would get septic after a single Sri Lankan Meal.

So last night, we got this opportunity to eat Idli with (Sri Lankan) Chutney and (Sri Lankan) Sambar. If I had not eaten some chocolates after that hot cindering chutney and spicy scorching sambar combination, I would not be writing this today. That’s not all. Every time I go for defecating, my a** feels like NASA’s rocket. Phew!!! Drinking lot of juice now to undo the chilly effects. One of my flat mate got loose motions after that meal. Now just imagine what he might be going through!

God bless his a**! Pray for mine!

love at first sip…

2008-02-11T00:47:00.002+05:30

First weekend in London and sunny days – what else can one ask for? My first destination – Westminster Abbey, the famous church built in the shape of a cross by Edward the Confessor.

Best way to travel in London is the tube (i.e. the underground metro as we have in Delhi and Kolkata!). Best is to buy one oyster card for the zones you want to travel and tubes and buses are at your service anytime anywhere within the zones. Transportation is extremely simple and well documented here. If one understands English, he or she can get around this city without any problem.

So I get down at Westminster underground and head towards House of Commons and see the Big Ben. Wo man! It’s huge and unbelievable piece of architecture. General public is not allowed inside the premises, so I head towards the Westminster Abbey - just a walk from the House of Commons. When it is sunny in London, it is heaven. There is no dust on the roads, no noises, no sweat… I mean superb. 10 GBP and you get to see the Westminster Abbey from inside – worth it. All important people of the Kingdom are buried in this abbey. Technically I was walking over hundreds of dead bodies. But it was peaceful and awe inspiring architecture. I saw the graves of Sir Isaac Newton, Clement Attlee, George Eliot and many others. Especially the grave of the unknown warrior grabbed my curiosity. Dead body of a British army soldier (name unknown, rank unknown) was brought in 1920 from France and buried here. History has always been a boring subject when it comes to reading, but when I come to see it in front of my eyes it turns into a fascinating story.

Since it is the time of the Easter, I get to hear songs quire songs as well, which I cannot understand “at all”. Nice experience though. Next stop – Trafalgar Square, nice place, the Nelson's Column is awesome structure. Every place has an interesting story attached to it. Nice.

Then a Big Mac at Mc D. Well, my first Mc D experience. Had never been to a Mc D in India, only tried Subway, Dominoes and Pizza Hut (in descending order of liking). Took a walk beside Thames and then came the time to fall in love for the first time.

No, no! Please don't misunderstand; it is not the love between a guy and a girl. Guy sees the girl and girl sees a guy and they fall in love. That sort of thing happens to me at least thrice in a day and even more number of times in weekends. It was the time to enter a classic pub and taste the “strongbow” beer (it’s called cider here, but doesn’t matter – what’s in a name… after all!) of London. It was love at first sip. With strongbow and indirectly with the beer of London – there is something very strange about the beer here.

You drink as much as you want, next morning you will forget that you drank beer last evening. In India, it is not the same. First problem is we have limited brands back home – King Fisher, Royal Challenge, Budweiser (which has only recently come), Fosters and those local ones (viz. thunderbolt, zingaroo, bansanti…) which are often used in the initial stages in colleges to baptize a potential boozer into an evolutionary talented drunkard. Then, when I drink a beer in India, I will remember for a week that I drank it. That strange feeling will remain with me. But here it is different. First thing is there are many brands. Till now I have had Guiness, Stalk, Strongbow, Beck and Heineken and there are still many names I can’t even spell. And after drinking them, you will simply forget them as if you drank some juice or water or some mango-lassi. Simply superb beer! They taste very different and very nice.

The place is slowly getting into the nerves. I’ve already fallen for the beer and the Berger. Will be eagerly waiting for the next weekend. Cheers!

das leben der anderen…

2008-02-08T02:13:00.000+05:30

Watched this Oscar winning German movie. It translates to ‘The Lives of Others’. Movie is set up during the times of divided Germany, around the struggle between bureaucracy, politics and art.
I must say that I haven’t seen such an intense movie. There is nothing flamboyant about it – only simple, ordinary people weaving an extraordinary story around them. Another must watch.

This is another addition to the list of movies to watch before dying.

1. Cidade de Dues (Lists #17 in the top 250 movies of imdb list).

2. Diarios de Motocicleta

3. Das Leben der Anderen (Lists #50 in the top 250 movies of imdb list).

God? no thanks...

2008-02-07T21:18:00.001+05:30

God has always been a favorite subject of unending desultory debates. That's why I do not like to spend any time on that. But then discussions pop up out of nowhere and you just want to talk your brains out because you don't want to miss the chance of having company of the other person. But at the end of discussion, no result! Phew!

I don't know what, who or where the God is. May be I don't want to know. Or may be I don't believe in the concept that for everything, God is the responsible person or thing or whatever. I mean, if I have something good in me or something bad in me – I don't like to attribute that to God. I don't like the idea that my life and my destiny is not in my control. Anyhow… There are different views.

I just know what I like, what I don't like, what I am, what I am not, what my strengths are and what I am afraid of… that's enough for me. When it comes to end, I just want to be complete. Anyways, this never ends…

A more fundamental question that sticks like a leech is 'what should one do when one likes something/someone'. To go out and grab it is the easiest possible answer. But whatever or whoever it is - is only temporary, ephemeral. It's like water flowing over the hands. If you close the fist, you've got nothing. Best way is to keep hands open and let the water flow from above it. It can never be yours, you can just let yourself be...

Meanwhile, let me share this photolog, (I lack modesty! All photographed by me :)..) actually the moments when I felt near to something which is the depth of me. And a song, a recent favourite by Carla Bruni (Yup! The Sarkozy legend.. Oh Man! She is beautiful.. Check out the mouth-organ music that starts from 1:52..):

I don't know... but I think this (the song!) is God Level! Just read the lyrics...

Come, let me sing into your ear;
Those dancing days are gone,
All that silk and satin gear;
Crouch upon a stone,
Wrapping that foul body up
In as foul a rag:
I carry the sun in a golden cup.
The moon in a silver bag.

Curse as you may I sing it through;
What matter if the knave
That the most could pleasure you,
The children that he gave,
Are somewhere sleeping like a top
Under a marble flag?
I carry the sun in a golden cup.
The moon in a silver bag.

I thought it out this very day.
Noon upon the clock,
A man may put pretense away
Who leans upon a stick,
May sing, and sing until he drop,
Whether to maid or hag:
I carry the sun in a golden cup,
The moon in a silver bag.

Phew!

tch...

2008-02-07T01:14:00.000+05:30

Presentations.. Talks.. Documents..

It all started last year, when Thomsons bought Reuters for $17.2 billion. After that Thomsons CEO retired and Tom Glocer (Reuters CEO) became the CEO of the merged company. Strange thing if you ask me – ‘get bought and become the CEO…’ strange! Mergers and Acquisitions…

I was thinking about this strange M&A in a barber’s shop in Madhapur, Hyderabad. I don’t have much hair left to be cut, but just to give my head a compact look I entered the shop. ‘If your barber is bald, stay away from his scissor…’ is usually what I tell others, because whenever I see my deforested head in the mirror I try to recollect the number of bald barbers who had my head at their disposal at some point of time in the past. Sigh! The barber (who was bald!) made me sit in his execution chair, covered me down neck with the cloth, cut one side of my hair and went for a tea. I instinctively cringe at such situations where a person de-prioritizes his or her work for something less important at the moment. What could I do! He came back, turned on to a telugu movie in television and leisurely started sipping his tea, as if I didn’t exist. I mean… what I could do!

To understand this behavior, one really needs to know what happened to Madhapur (the place where incident happened) during last two years. IT came to Hi Tech City and Madhapur was the village between the IT city and residential city. The economy of this village grew like a horny teenager’s dick. But somehow, only the dick grew and the brains remained unchanged and ungrown. That’s the condition of this village right now - an overgrown economy running on the power of pounds and dollars and a bad sense of expenditure of the IT professionals. Anyhow, I was about to leave this village the next day.

Hmm! Now I am in London. In IT terms – I have come to the ‘onsite’. It all happened so fast, I could not even know myself that I am going to be in London in just a matter of four days. HYD to DEL to HEATHROW – had two shots of vodka in the flight and reached London without much boredom.

Cultural shock!!! That’s what happened to me once I landed here. Everything seems to be running with a perfect discipline. People follow rules, streets are clean, nobody honks… I mean for a person who has lived in Hyderabad and Delhi, London is a land of nirvana. It’s a cold place – you can’t go out without covering your body properly with warm clothes - reminded me of my childhood days of Shimla’s winter. Nothing surprising that once Shimla was the summer capital of these guys!

Oh yes! Forgot about the ‘Presentations.. Talks.. Documents..’ So when M&A happens, IT application integration is the next thing to happen. It was very cruel start of the week with making presentations for the people to understand what should be done and what should not be done. Screwed it up anyhow today.. I am not as good in speaking as I (think) am in writing. Pshaw! Feeling very dejected by the way the presentation went! Tch!

charity begins at pub...

2008-01-28T18:46:00.000+05:30

"When one is drunk, one tends to speak the truth" goes the age old cliché in the Boozers' Bible. Keeping aside the New Year resolutions for a while, Dindu and I were in this resto-pub last weekend. My limit is 60 ml. After that I start seeing things more vaguely clear. Dindu's limit is 180 ml, but his supernatural bird eye view becomes active as soon as the first drop of alcohol goes inside him. And then begins the conversation, where almost everything is discussed once again in the same old monotonous way - from marriage to monogamy, from racism to religion, from sex to sensex, from poverty to privatization, from girls to globalization - you name it.

Dindu: Macha! Why don't you order another large?

Me: No Thanks! I am done.

Dindu: You don't know.. A man is mortal only until his first kiss and second drink..

Me: Dae! I don't want to achieve half-nirvana. Perhaps I will cross one drink limit only when I am going to become fully immortal.. You know what I mean right.. he he he..

Gobhi Manchurian arrives; Dindu snatches the plate from waiter's hands, places two tiny pieces in my plate and starts eating the rest.

Dindu: I want to earn a lot of money and do some charity, like Bill Gates and Warren Buffet. I want to do something so that I am useful to at least four people around me.

Me: Don't worry man! You will be useful to four people. You, your wife and your two children. You will do a lot of charity.

Dindu: Dae! No kidding. I am serious. I really want to be useful.

Me: Ok man! No more drinks for you. Finish this and we are off.

It was the deepest corners of Dindu speaking - the desire to be useful. But just by desiring if one could get everything I would have dated Kangana Ranaut, Katrina Kaif, Jessica Alba, Kate Moss, Rachel Weisze etc etc (you name) by now.

...

(Sigh! I go into a reverie of one of these ethereal beauties sitting with me instead of the drunk-and-about-to-puke-his-brains-out-Tambi)

...

Most of people want to do charity. Some in even big way - Gates, Buffet likes. In my opinion these guys (Gates, Buffet) have already done a lot of charity by creating so many jobs and opportunities and by making things easy. What they are doing now, by giving away the wealth they have accumulated, is just the visible part of their charity.

Charity for most of the people means giving away the money. And mostly those people feel the urge for charity, who possess enough disposable income, which again depends on person's individual view of when his or her income crosses the disposable threshold. A person earning 8 lpa might not feel like charity, whereas a person with 3 lpa might consider doing it. Nothing bad about that as such, but it is difficult for me to digest the idea of giving away money to some ‘xyz’ foundation without knowing what they are going to do with it. I am ultra cynical. And I am always afraid that the collected money will be used by some people in buying tickets for watching a live India Australia match.

'Break the knees of a poor man, then give him crutches to walk' - This is the real definition of charity, as I look around. Society first makes the poor man and then searches for people to do charity to help the poor man out. Society first prepares the criminal, and then cries out to ban the capital punishment. I mean... give me a break.

May be it’s our Indian DNA. People have lived with monarchy for so many centuries, how democracy can suddenly become our culture in just sixty years. Democracy has never been our way of life until after 1947. Democracy was thrown on us Indians who were habitual of living as subjects of Emperors and Dynasties. May be that’s one of the reasons why still dynasties rule us – Gandhis, Nehrus, Scindias, Rajas… Duh! Or may be because after independence we blindly copied the architecture of government and economy from Soviet Union! I am not sure…

I just wonder how cultures become prominent in a society. Why don’t we throw the garbage in a bin instead of on the road? Why don’t we pay taxes? Why don’t we go the right way while driving? Why do we insist on hanging onto old useless customs? Well, one doesn’t have to answer them… just need to think... the answers may come for better…

Meanwhile, I dumped Dindu at his house and flew back to Hyderabad.

Next morning Dindu woke up, called me and said 'Dae! I gave the waiter a tip of 500 rupees! Why didn't you stop me a**h***?!?'

I said 'Relax machi! Just assume that it was charity for the poor man!'

diarios de motocicleta..

2008-01-27T18:31:00.000+05:30

NOTE: Italics are the quotes from the book and movie "The Motorcycle Diaries"

What we had in common - our restlessness, our impassioned spirits, and a love for the open road.

Thus two young men (Doctors by profession) embarked upon a journey in 1952 across Latin America on a motorcycle, for around 6 months and eleven thousand kilometers. Reason? May be this:

How is it possible to feel nostalgia for a world I never knew?

There wasn’t any sponsorship; there wasn’t any desire for fame (which anyhow came). Just two restless souls wanted to go around and explore.

This isn’t a tale of heroics, nor is it merely some kind of ‘cynical account’; it isn’t meant to be, at least. It’s a chunk of two lives running parallel for a while, with common aspirations and similar dreams.

One country after another, these two young men kept struggling for meager necessities of life (food, water and shelter) and slept with every woman they could. Sometimes, got beaten and chased by the local husbands whose wives they were trying to seduce. One of these was suffering from acute asthma but had an indomitable will. This man was getting shaped into the greatest revolutionary of all times – Ernesto Guevara de la Serna.

What do we leave behind when we cross each frontier? Each moment seems split in two; melancholy for what was left behind and the excitement of entering a new land.

Books alone can’t do it. Listening to knowledge can’t do it. Being in contact with great people can’t do it. Unless a man stands above his limitations, and dares to find his own way, it doesn’t happen. Purpose is about chasing the dreams, not about being chased by the nightmares. Goal is what we find when we have the guts to walk alone; it’s not somewhere we reach following the herd and running away from fears.

You gotta fight for every breath and tell death to go to hell.

It was two years ago, I read about Che Guevara, the person who lived the life of millions of people in just forty years. It was one year ago, I read his Diarios de Motociclota – The Motorcycle Diaries. And it was one day ago, I watched the movie by the same name. Believe me – this man, his book and this movie – they have such a force in them that I can’t describe. In the last chapter of his journal Ernesto wrote this:

Wandering around our America has changed me more than I thought. I am not me any more. At least I'm not the same me I was.

And his following words echo in my brain like nothing else:

All of them, all those who can’t adapt – you and I, for instance – will die cursing the power which they helped bring about with often enormous sacrifices. Revolution is impersonal, so it will take their lives and even use their memory as an example or as an instrument to control the young people coming after them…you will die with your fist clenched and your jaw tense, the perfect manifestation of hatred and struggle, because you aren’t a symbol (some inanimate example), you are an authentic member of the society to be destroyed; the spirit of the beehive speaks through your mouth and moves through your actions. You are as useful as I am, but you don’t realize how useful your contribution is to the society that sacrifices you.

What else can I say - a must watch movie, a must read book, a man who was so ordinary by birth but so extraordinary by his guts and deeds.

one morning...

2008-01-23T17:26:00.000+05:30

Coffee is the most important drink of the day for me, after Honey-Lemon Tea. First thing that goes inside my stomach every morning is either the sweet and sour HL-T or simmering bitter black coffee. Without these drinks, morning isn’t morning at all. And now when I have a nothing-to-boast-of 160 kbps connection at home, which takes 5 light years for icicidirect-dot-com to open in unhappy hours, I try checking all my inboxes in happy hours along with my drink lubricating every cell of my body from my throat down to my bowels. Slurp! Burp, Burp!

Long centuries of evolution of homosapiens have brought a poignant monotony among them. Now there isn’t only one crazy restless person in this world. For every person awake at 5 in the morning, there is another at some other city, thinking along almost the similar line of thoughts. So, as I log on to my gmail at this relatively godforsaken hour of day, I see Dindu coming online just a second later; and a pop up chat window another second later.

Dindu: ‘Man! Which subject is the most important subject that should be taught to everybody?’

Me (sotto voce): Is this fellow sleep-walking or something? Morning 5 O’clock and he is asking me this? Sure this fellow is sleep-walking.

I had this friend of mine in college, who once slept with his hands on the keyboard, while typing a project report and when he woke up the other day and submitted his project report, his Automotive Engineering instructor sent him summons and asked whether he wants to finish his studies or not. Surprised when Vikesh (name changed) came to his room and checked his report, he was surprised to see his wildest of fantasies about Latetia Casta and Katie Moss documented in the report, instead of Analysis of Crank Shaft Design. We all had cramps in our stomachs for the rest of the term.

Dindu: Maths, Chemistry, Biology, Political Science, Psychology… which one?

Me (sotto voce): What the f*#k! Who cares! Tambi has gone nuts early in the morning!

Dindu: Dae! Are you there or not?

Me: Hi Man! How are you? I hope you are in India and fully awake? It’s 5 in the morning?

Dindu: **ck off! What the hell do you think, I am sleep-walking or something? Surya and Asin are here with me, pissing me off with this question… tell me…

Me: Surya and Asin? I know you are Surya, who is Asin?

Dindu: Not me a**h***. I am Dindu. These two are here beside my bed and asking me these stupid questions. Tell me fast. This Surya fellow is suffering from short term memory loss; he forgets everything after 1 minute. So tell quickly, or else he will hit this shovel on my head…

Damn! I logged off immediately leaving Dindu in his four dimensional world, before he could start behaving like a screwed up schizophrenic. Tambi must have watched some Tamizh movie late last night and got severely affected by that. Phew!!!

Enya playing in my iTunes, I sit in my terrace watching the changing colors of sky, drinking the sweet-sour honey lemon tea, at the same time thinking about what could be the most important subject in this world.

Waste!

I have struggled to find my favorite subject for almost quarter of a century now. In my school days, it was mathematics – may be because my old-man used to teach me and I always scored in 90’s. In higher secondary it became English – may be because my teacher was so pretty. Four years of engineering made me so blasé that I viewed every subject with an equal eye – so no favorites there. In interviews where I had the highest grade was my favorite, just like everybody else. And enter this post education life; I slowly start taking interest in Economics and Computer Science, I don’t know why. But for a subject to be favorite means one needs to know every minute detail of it, its history, its current affairs and its future. I am just a novice when I try to find my location w.r.t. these subjects.

It is very silly to ask what the most important subject is. Like the story of the asshole becoming the boss of body, it is madness to cry for a subject. The basic idea I am trying to form my life on is – ‘one must know something of everything and everything of one thing…’ Subjects are subsets of life, not the other way. Subjects are means of understanding life, not the other way. It is possible to find connections between Operating Systems and Biology, Political Science and Chemistry, Psychology and Physics, J2EE and Journalism, Oracle and Ontology… you name it… Just need an eye…

PS: The images are paintings by Mr Sunil Padwal, a famous modern artist.

cidade de deus...

2008-01-23T14:02:00.000+05:30

If you have already watched it, great! If you haven’t, make it a point you watch it ASAP.

The movie ranks in 100 greatest movies of all times in TIME magazine. The movies one must watch before kicking the bucket. It’s a Brazilian movie, so English understanders will need subtitles.

Here is the trailer.

day of freyja…

2008-01-18T14:36:00.000+05:30

Note: Only applicable in those areas which observe Dress Down custom.

Apart from Black Friday (any one of several historical disasters that happened on Fridays) and Good Friday (commemorating the crucifixion of Jesus) there is one Casual or Dress Down Friday in the popular modern culture which generally makes Friday more conspicuous than other days of the otherwise dull week. Following is a small attempt in understanding what makes a Friday, Friday:

1. On Friday suddenly one starts becoming aware of the feminine presence around the work place, which is normally absent on other days. That is, from Monday till Thursday a person who does not notice the lady sitting right next to his desk will suddenly starts noticing her with complete awe and surprise on Friday. Figuratively, female population suddenly gets accentuated on this day.

This is attributed to the chemical reaction undergoing across the neurons of female brain because of which the ladies who possess a decent outer frame start fitting themselves inside attractive casual attire, sometimes exaggerated with artificial beauty equipments. And this casual attire suddenly makes their presence more visible. This is the biggest phenomenon which makes Friday, Friday. The reason why neurons undergo this strange chemical reaction remains the subject of an open ended debate.

2. Another phenomenon attributed to Friday is that the weekly alcohol and cigarette consumption curve undergoes a sharp upward move during Friday nights among phenomenally confused males. This in turn, often, triggers the open ended debate mentioned above.

3. In most Germanic Languages Friday is named after Freyja who is a major goddess in Germanic paganism symbolizing love, beauty and fertility. Freyja is described as the fairest of all goddesses, and people prayed to her for happiness and love. Freyja was also associated with war, battle, death, magic, prophecy, and wealth, which makes it very essential for males to keep a healthy distance from the Freyja's Friday Feminine Effect.

4. In astrology Friday is connected with planet Venus and since Women are from Venus, it is assumed that this day their presence becomes more visible. But there is an opposition to this explanation because the same is not applicable to Tuesdays, since Men are considered to have descended from Mars and Tuesdays belong to Mars. Instead, on Tuesdays most men are found praying the celibate god of Hindu Mythology - Hanuman. It is also believed that Men subconsciously prepare on Tuesdays by requesting Lord Hanuman to give them strength and purity to stay away from the ill effects of the upcoming Fridays. Adam and Eve eating apple in the garden of Eden is again believed to have happened on Friday. It is said that Adam had failed to offer his prayers to Lord Hanuman the previous Tuesday!

This list is not exhaustive and there are many other interesting and eye opening explanations which could be found using prevailing search engines and encyclopedias. One must also go through a number of white papers produced by academicians who spent their lives trying explaining this perplexing phenomenon.

Me@AOL...

2008-01-16T11:30:00.000+05:30

I had no idea what I was going to experience when I boarded the flight to Bangalore on Jan 11th. I was confused and stressed to my point of breaking, victim of the air, light and sound pollution of the fast growing city, a cause and effect of fast spreading emotional pollution and in desperate need of a healthy break; formerly I planned to go to A&N Islands (inspired and envied by some beautiful people around me), but then thought that I required a deeper change than just a superficial change of only the place. I needed a change from inside.

And so I decided to go for the advance course of art of living at the Bangalore ashram. As I entered the ashram campus, first thing I got to see was Sri Sri Ravi Shankar himself. It happens once in thousand years you see. That such a person takes birth and with his knowledge and conviction brings a positive change in life of millions of other people around the world. And lucky I, I got to see him in person. There were people from all over the globe. Even those who did not understand English. People from Russia, China and Japan had specially brought a translator with them to understand the instructions and discourses.

The real thing started the next morning. The advance course commenced and everyone was supposed to observe complete silence till end of the course i.e. you must not speak even a single word, not even make any eye contact with the other people. I was no way ready for that. Words started accumulating in my brain so fast that I thought I was going to explode with them soon. But I survived somehow. From morning 5 till evening 10 days were full of activities and more and more meditation. Sit cross legged, take your attention here, inhale like this, exhale like that and observe your brain… phew! My immunity could not stand the Bangalore cold and this rigorous practice. I had to return on the third day itself.

After returning, I slept the whole day as if there was no tomorrow. After coming back to senses, I only remember Sri Sri’s eyes looking into mine, and that soft touch of His feet on my hands. I was fortunate and I was changed. Having a guru, a guide, a coach, a teacher is quintessential for the holistic growth of an individual. But everyone has different criterion for the Master. And everyone is not very fortunate to have a Master. My three days stay in the Bangalore ashram gave me a huge insight into my flaws and strengths. And I realized that when it comes to patience, trust and adaptability – I suck! Like hell.

Anyhow, it was my fortune that I saw the living Buddha right in front of my eyes, listened to his discourses live and even touched his feet. Wherever he goes, joy follows him! Had I been a little more adaptable, I could have successfully finished the course and the silence as well. But… :(...

a manchurian tale...

2008-01-08T15:09:00.000+05:30

An excerpt from the book on Behavioral Economics I was reading a couple of days back:

“We overestimate the likelihood: of something that we can easily imagine, especially if it would be particularly frightening, like a plane crash or particularly exciting, like winning the lottery; of something that has given us a short-lived extreme experience; or of something we have recently experienced. Likewise we underestimate the likelihood of things that happen relatively often.”

It reminded me of the latest conversation I had with Dindu 1 2. It was his birth day last week. Capricorn, you see! His Lazy Ass is very proud of being ~~capricious~~ Capricorn. I asked him what gift he wanted for his b’day. And guess what… no no no… you won’t be able to guess… He wanted me to courier gobhi-manchurian from the flyover-bakery at Hyderabad to his beach house in Thiruvannmayur, Chennai. Can you believe it? Even beyond the wildest and remotest of imaginations! I can say Dindu will do anything for that gobhi-machurian. He suffers from such pristine hunger for this Indo-Chinese hybrid dish that he will even kill anyone for you if you offer him flyover-bakery’s gobhi-manchurian. After gobhi-manchurian, kothu-parantha comes next in his I-will-kill-for-it list. Oh! But this is not about that, this much was just to increase the length of this post which otherwise could have ended only after the first paragraph.

Allegedly, Dindu has been given the option (i.e. euphemistically, an ultimatum) by his parents that he should either find a girl of his choice by his next birthday or he will be emotionally and tangibly cuffed with the girl of their choice. Woho! Can I get the email id of Karan Johar? I think I have a real life story for him and SRK taking shape - "Chuk de Dindu".

Upon that, Dindu has been told by his family astrologer that if he marries before seeing (i.e. euphemistically, rejecting) twelve girls, it will not be good for his post nuptial life. Somewhat like King Kansa who was told by aakashvaani (radio waves of mythological era) that he will be killed by thirteenth (??) son of Vasudeva! The astrologer left him wondering (the reflection of first paragraph) what will happen to him if he marries less than or equal to twelfth girl he comes to see and know of. Will his married life be that of a chivalrous and beloved hubby (particularly exciting) or he will become an uxorious partner or even worse be labeled a cuckold of worst sort (particularly frightening). That’s what is meant by “overestimating the likelihood of something one can easily imagine…” Dindu just knows he has to go a long way - 12!!! Wish him luck...

When I ask him how much dakshina he gave to the astrologer he refuses to tell me. I guess he has been… you know… I don’t know about how his planets are placed in his birth chart, but I can say his rational brain and thinking cells are a little misplaced for the time being…

Anyhow, myob is slowly becoming my philosophy. So I have stopped giving advices to already overloaded poor Dindu. It’s natural that if one gets overloaded with choices, often one ends up making no choice at all. And that’s where Dindu is right now. Spending most of his weekends at the Chennai beach, wandering aimlessly, wondering why he wonders what he wonders…

forsaken thought...

2008-01-07T09:59:00.001+05:30

Blackness of distress
dark everywhere
vision marred by fear
hope numbed with disbelief
no sky above my head
no ground beneath my feet
directionless - I become

A spark of thought arrives
piercing the curtain of darkness
giving warmth of hope
and a reason to survive
I decide I can move on with this thought
forever
Out of darkness
I survive

As the light dawns
leaving blackness behind
that little spark
fades away into the light
and becomes a forsaken thought
I find darkness again
Myself - I deceive.

ah! not again...

2008-01-03T11:33:00.000+05:30

For last two weeks, I haven't been able to catch up with the latest news about the nation and the world. Whatever “breaking” happens, reaches me after one full day, when the sudden inferno of attention it once created in the news channels gets extinguished with its hajjar times repetition.

Bhutto was assassinated, Kenya is burning bad, BJP triumphed in the home state (Himachal Pradesh) as well, India got slaughtered by Aussies once again, and New Year arrived with some episodic disgracing deeds of countrymen across the cities. Every news, which was labeled ‘Breaking News’ in the news channels in last two weeks reached me after becoming supersaturated on the television screens.

The latest retired ‘Breaking News’ which hit me hard was the molestation of some girls in Mumbai and Pune on the 31st night. Especially the Mumbai one – I mean how a mob of 60 people can ambush two girls and molest them? There is something terribly wrong in the way the mind set is getting shaped around the cities. The economy is growing, of course, but are people growing up to justify the GDP growth?

I wouldn’t say it was the responsibility of one particular section – Police, Mob, Politicians, or provocative dressing of women – like the desultory discussions that followed. I would just say it was a matter of shame for the whole nation. And it makes it even worse discussing such events like this . It appears that the first thing everyone does after such tragedies is to play “Who is to Blame!” game. And once the game is over, everyone starts waiting for one more game to come their way. Is it so exciting?

Instead of building a firm foundation of trust and understanding, we are getting drowned in the quagmire of blame-storming, finger-pointing, responsibility-shrugging and moral lethargy. Can relegating the responsibility and blame to some section clear us of the stigma of what happened?

Society has to change, and for that every individual has to change and this change can be brought only by right education, right policy and right implementation. We have to build a strong platform of trust on which our posterity can stand tall and take off for the new future. Growth has to turn into muscle to be meaningful; otherwise the 10% growth which we are boasting of today will render the nation obese. But who is going to do it and when will it be done remains again an open question... Till then I just hope with fingers crossed (not pointed to anyone)...

naansense begins...

2007-12-31T17:27:00.000+05:30

Triple convergence of work: (Title Copied from World is Flat by Thomas Friedman)

Today, in IT industry there are three kinds of people at work. Conversely this does not necessarily mean that there are three types of workers.

Type1 – Developers, testers and programmers kind who do the work;
Type2 – Leaders, specialists, coordinators kind who make the work done by Type1 workers; and,
Type3- Managers, consultants, associate-in-charge kind who advise Type2 workers how to make the work done by Type1 workers.

Work, like everything else, has evolved from being pristine and individualistic to being civilized, sophisticated and ritualistic, where it is difficult to identify what work really is, who really does it, and whether it is really done or not.

For such sophisticated competitive environment International Institute of Idle Techies has come up with a survival kit for IT professionals.

Survival Kit for an IT professional:

At Office:

1. Internet enabled work stations.
2. gtalk/yahoo-messenger/gmail/meebo.
3. Orkut enabled proxy.
4. Ear/head phones and a music collection on some shared location.
5. If 4 not found then iPOD/mp3 player.
6. If 4 and 5 not found then Camera, mp3 enabled mobile phone.

At Home:

7. Laptop/Desktop.
8. Internet connectivity.
9. Maggi packets.
10. Cigarettes (Optional).
11. Pizza hut/Dominos/Subway contact numbers.
12. Cooler/Air conditioner during summer.
13. TATA sky connection with NEO Sports (for males).
14. ~~Porn~~ Interesting movies collection ~~(for males)~~.

Naansense ends!

Wishing you happy new year!

signs, scare & seemabaddha...

2007-12-30T18:24:00.000+05:30

Trust me! When one is living alone in a 3 BHK apartment, one should peacefully have dinner and go to sleep by 10 in the night. Especially one must not watch late night M Night Shyamalan’s movies at any cost. They can be creepy and can affect the secretion of melatonin from pineal gland which will leave the person making himself or herself coffee all night to get out of what he or she just saw. It’s not that those movies are outright scary. They don’t scare you right away, but they bring that anticipation of fear in you which is far horrid than the fear itself. “There is no terror in a bang, only in the anticipation of it…” I learned the meaning of these words by Alfred Hitchcock only last night when I was watching ‘Signs’. Wooohoo! Movie is not that scary if you watch in broad daylight. But in the night, when you are alone, you know… (Another thing that scared the crap out of me this weekend was History channel’s Double F about this person… this was scarier than 'Signs'... May be because this was REAL!)

But fortunately I didn’t spend my night making myself shots of black coffee. Because the next movie I saw was Satyajit Ray’s Seemabaddha (Company Limited). This was my first Satyajit Ray movie and I was spellbound by the imagination, narration and direction of Ray. Sharmila Tagore was as gracious as ever, and so was the story line. I must say, with all profound awe & respect, that Ray was far ahead of his times in his vision. The way movie started unfolded and ended; and the background music (again by Ray… awesome…)… you just cannot expect that from any Bharatiya director of those times (except of course a very few), who were more inclined towards conventional sing-song, hero-villain-fight-for-leading-lady kind of movies, leaving the message and society in constipated fiction. Satyajit Ray! I salute you.

And for those of you who would like to watch Satyajit Ray’s classics, tune into Zee Studio on Saturday nights after 10 PM movie or Sunday 1500 hours. Movies are in Bengali, but they come with English subtitles.

Yawwwwn...! Nothing much. Life’s going as usual… lazy, aimless and chaotic, as was designed to be… Happy new year… I wish the intended resolutions hold this year…